In spite of my posting sorta nude pictures of kinda famous celebrities, the popularity of my site has dwindled. Since I can’t bump my traffic up through more legitimate methods (How about lesbian furry porn? Transgendered chess tournaments?), I am forced to lower myself to the most disgusting, base, form of blogging.
I’m going to write about Star Trek.
I’m going to write about Star Trek video games.
I’m going to write about cancelled Star Trek video games.
A long, long time ago, in a studio far, far away, (Burbank) Interplay decided they were going to make a game based on the original Star Trek series called The Secret of Vulcan Fury.
I was sad when they cancelled the game (not as sad as when they cancelled the Babylon 5 game). Years later when I attended a party with someone who claimed to have worked on the game, I grilled him on what had happened. To this day, the only things I remember about him are that his girlfriend was really skinny and what he told me about Vulcan Fury.
He told me the executives ruined the game.
He told me they insisted that the player fill a turkey baster with acid and use it to burn a doorway into a wall of the ship.
He told me he told the executives he thought that puzzle was “blisteringly stupid.”
He told me there was some kind of alien predator aboard the ship that squeezed the life out of sponge-like animals for food. He had designed a puzzle where Scotty would poison it by filling sponges with alcohol and tricking it into eating them.
He said the executives had removed that puzzle because they didn’t want alcohol in the game, even if used as a poison.
Time passed, and I ended up working on a Star Trek game myself.
A terrible, terrible game.
|They would have had gorgeous children.|
Still, this was D.C. Fontana. She wrote for the original Star Trek. She wrote for Babylon 5. She was one of the pillars of science fiction.
|I was so thrilled, I let her grab my butt.|
The game, she said, was about a terrible weapon the Vulcans had created in the distant past. It was hidden on their moon and-
“But Vulcan has no moon,” I said.
“Yes, it does,” she said. “It has two.”
“But Spock says it has no moon. In, like, the first episode.”
“It has two.”
Guess what? It has none. Spock says it to Uhura in the first episode.
|Yes, I know there’s argument over what the first episode of Star Trek is. Go away. Stop touching me.|
|James Riberius Kirk?|
I know more useless crap about Star Trek than D.C. Fontana. I have street cred now.