Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Secret of Vulcan Fury

In spite of my posting sorta nude pictures of kinda famous celebrities, the popularity of my site has dwindled.  Since I can’t bump my traffic up through more legitimate methods (How about lesbian furry porn?  Transgendered chess tournaments?), I am forced to lower myself to the most disgusting, base, form of blogging.

I’m going to write about Star Trek.

I’m going to write about Star Trek video games.

I’m going to write about cancelled Star Trek video games.

A long, long time ago, in a studio far, far away, (Burbank) Interplay decided they were going to make a game based on the original Star Trek series called The Secret of Vulcan Fury.

Cool, eh?

I was sad when they cancelled the game (not as sad as when they cancelled the Babylon 5 game).  Years later when I attended a party with someone who claimed to have worked on the game, I grilled him on what had happened.  To this day, the only things I remember about him are that his girlfriend was really skinny and what he told me about Vulcan Fury.

He told me the executives ruined the game.

He told me they insisted that the player fill a turkey baster with acid and use it to burn a doorway into a wall of the ship.

He told me he told the executives he thought that puzzle was “blisteringly stupid.”

He told me there was some kind of alien predator aboard the ship that squeezed the life out of sponge-like animals for food.  He had designed a puzzle where Scotty would poison it by filling sponges with alcohol and tricking it into eating them.

He said the executives had removed that puzzle because they didn’t want alcohol in the game, even if used as a poison.

Time passed, and I ended up working on a Star Trek game myself.
A terrible, terrible game.
The executives (perhaps the same executives) decided we weren’t doing well with the game’s story, so they sent us D.C. Fontana and her co-author Derek Chester (to this day the only things I remember about him was that he was very nice, very handsome, and once dated Terry Farrell).
They would have had gorgeous children.
I was thrilled they were on the project.  Sure, I was in charge of a big chunk of the story, and their arrival was a slap in the face to me.  Sure, I didn’t like the changes they made, such as mistaking a Romulan Warbird as a Klingon Bird of Prey and renaming the player’s ship from the Icarus to the Dauntless (because it “Icarus died in the myth and the ship survives.”).

Still, this was D.C. Fontana.  She wrote for the original Star Trek.  She wrote for Babylon 5.  She was one of the pillars of science fiction.
I was so thrilled, I let her grab my butt.
She had worked on Secret of Vulcan Fury.  I asked her about it and what the guy with the skinny girlfriend had said.  She said it wasn’t true.  There was no turkey baster.  There was no sponge-squeezing alien.

The game, she said, was about a terrible weapon the Vulcans had created in the distant past.  It was hidden on their moon and-

“But Vulcan has no moon,” I said.

“Yes, it does,” she said.  “It has two.”

“But Spock says it has no moon.  In, like, the first episode.”

“It has two.”

Guess what?  It has none.  Spock says it to Uhura in the first episode.
Yes, I know there’s argument over what the first episode of Star Trek is. Go away. Stop touching me.
In her defense, even though Star Trek was the first show to really have a canon of knowledge, it messes things up.
James Riberius Kirk?
Eventually, I had to leave the project and the company.  As upset as I was about that turn of events and the quality of the final product, I still had one moment of pride to cherish forever.

I know more useless crap about Star Trek than D.C. Fontana.  I have street cred now.

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