Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Fandango Sucks

My apologies to my more sensitive readers for the title of today’s post.  I know how much you eschew bad language, and I avoid swearing at all costs.  However, Fandango sucks ass.  Fandango is and always will be a giant pile of donkey shit and anyone who thinks otherwise is a fucking moron.

Allow me to explain my less-than-erudite statement, above.  I have detested Fandago from the moment I first heard about it.  I think I can be forgiven for judging the proverbial book by the proverbial shitty cover because I was introduced to Fandango through their ads.  Little did I know that this shitty cover was followed by a shit prologue and a bunch of shit chapters.

Especially when this is the cover you have to judge by.
I was so repulsed by Fandango’s irritating paper bag campaign, I swore to never use their services.  That proved difficult, as there really aren’t any other good sites that sell tickets.  I ended up at a site called Moviefone which, if you know how much I hate kewtsee zpeling, shows you how much I hate those fucking paper bags.  Moviefone was an inferior service.  I’d often go to buy tickets and find out the theaters were only working with Fandango.

Eventually, I had kids and stopped going to theaters.  For one thing, I was never comfortable with babysitters.  Having someone watch my kids, and put them down to bed, for the duration of a two hour movie (three if you count trailers) made me uncomfortable.  (Plus, isn’t it silly to go on a date where neither of you look at or talk to each other?)  Second, when my eldest was old enough, he became scared of movie theaters.  The combination of the loudness, darkness, and inability to run and hide from the screen when something unpleasant happened made him scared.  He refused to go to movies, and would scream and cry if I tried to make him go.

Until yesterday.

My son told me that, in exchange for a modest reward (ice cream in a waffle bowl), he would be willing to face his fears and go see “Brave” with me.  The timing would be awkward, since we couldn’t take his brother.  Still, I figured we could get to an early show after we dropped his brother off at preschool and, even with trailers, get back in time for pick up.  Since we’re going on vacation this week, we only had one morning we could see the movie.  Usually, I have a personal trainer appointment on Mondays, and I’m dreadfully out of shape, but I cancelled the appointment. 

It’s important to be supportive when your child faces a fear.  I would be there for him whenever he was ready.  I went to get tickets at Moviefone and got sinking feelings when I saw this logo.
Oddly, "Powered by Fandango" is Ancient Sumerian for "You're about to be screwed."
On Monday, we dropped my youngest at preschool and sped to Saratoga for the movie.  I swiped my card at the kiosk and….

Something was wrong.  The tickets printed all the lines of text on top of each other.  They were completely illegible, but I could almost make out the words “We’re Sorry.”

I tried another kiosk, but it refused my card.  After ten minutes of waiting for the theater to open, I banged on a door until someone came out.

“Oh, no, we never open the theater before 10,” he told me.  Fandango had lied and now it was too late to make another showing and be back in time.

In short, Fandango waited for years for the first moment I used them, and then screwed me over.

So, again, I must apologize for my boorish language, but there are few acceptable ways to describe what a mother-fucking pile of shit Fandango is.

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