Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Ten Reasons Comic Book Scientists Are Better

Scientistsare boring.  They spend years of their lives trying to unlock the secrets of tiny subatomic particles that don't really do anything interesting.  Their findings are disputed by idiots with little or no scientific background.  Honestly, I don’t know why scientists bother discovering and inventing things. 

When my son talks about becoming a scientist when he grows up, I laugh at him and point.  After he's done crying, I tell him that he should aspire to be a comic book scientist.  Comic book scientists are way awesomer.

Here's why:
Number 1: Screw Peer Review
In the real world, scientsts pick apart each other's work.  It's incredibly rare for one person to come up with a reliable theory or groundbreaking invention.
In comic books, one genius scientist is better than thousands of regular ones.  Tony Stark invented Iron Man in a cave with nothing but spare parts and a car battery hooked to his chest. Peter Parker invented a groundbreaking sticky goop and a machine that can shoot it out to make ropes or nets.

Number 2: Better Test Subjects
Real scientists find test subjects very carefully by sending out flyers on college campuses.
In comic books, if you want to try a super soldier serum?  Just give it to Bruce Banner!  He'll do it!  He'll do anything!
Number 3: World Domination
Scientists in the real world form groups to make sure their work is used for good.
Comic book scientists know about power (and work, and acceleration).  They also know that they're the only ones who can be trusted with power because they're the only ones who can truly appreciate it.  Also, they're too geeky to run for public office and win.
Number 4: Playing God
Real scientists have, with careful tinkering and knowledge, managed to make tomatoes last longer without getting squishy.
Comic book scientists have changed the course of human evolution so that people can fly, shoot lasers out of their eyes, and all women have D-cups.
Number 5: Cooler Names
Some examples of real scientist names: Norman Borlaug, Jane Goodall, and James Hansen.
Some examples of comic book scientist names: Otto Octavius, Victor Von Doom, and Jonathan Crane.
Number 6: Results
After years of work studying an obscure alloy, a modern scientist might find he or she has discovered a slight improvement in tensile strength or flexibility over more commonly used compounds.
After years of work studying an obscure alloy, a comic book scientist will become an unstoppable monster and wreak vengeance on those who picked on him in high school.

Number 7: Consequences
When Einstein saw the results of the Manhattan Project, he and his fellow scientists were horrified that they had helped kill so many people.
In comic books, they created fucking Godzilla.

Number 8: Radiation
In real life, scientists have found radiation can give you sunburn and cancer, and quickly heats meals.
In comic books, scientists have gone into space and found radiation turned them into rock people, invisible people, stretchy people, and fire people at the exact same time.
Number 9: Technobabble
In real life, scientists have a hard time explaining their work to others.  You sometimes need an andvanced degree to understand what they're saying.
In comic books, scientists spout the most absurd gobbledygook, and everyone kinda understands what they mean.
Number 10: Smash That Thing!
In the real world, scientists leave notes and, even if they don't, others can figure out what they were working on and can re-create it.
In comic books, you can break an invention and its evil will be gone forever.


Hoot Houska said...

The script below that I have to copy to prove I'm not a robot is illegible. I can't make heads or tails of it. What kind of sick joke is that? And, WTF, why do you discriminate against robots? Had this not been deleted by your zombie guardian program you could have read that I enjoyed this post.

Especially the D-cup graphic.

Translated into Sam Elliott idiom, that would be "Shit, son, you can write funny."

Matthew Kagle said...

Everyone loves D-cup graphics. I need a whole post of them.