Thursday, May 17, 2012

If You Can't Make My Party...

... on Saturday, we were going to perform a piece from the original Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy radio show.  I plan on recording it and posting the video here, but things tend to go awry, so I've posted the piece below.

I should point out that I am not Douglas Adams (I'm still alive), nor a member of his family, so I don't own the work posted.  However, I did see him once at an E3 conference and, if I had bothered to stand in line for his autograph, I'm sure he would have given me permission.

Honest.


Ford
Six pints of bitter. And quickly, please, the world’s about to end.

Barman
Oh yes, sir?  Nice weather for it.  Going to watch the match this afternoon sir?

Ford
No.  No point.

Barman
Foregone conclusion, you reckon sir?  Arsenal doesn’t have a chance?

Ford
No, it’s just that the world’s going to end.

Barman
Oh yes, sir, so you said.  Lucky for Arsenal if it did.

Ford
No, not really.

Barman
There you are sir, six pints.

Puts drinks on bar. Ford hands him a bill.

Ford
Keep the change.

Barman
What, from a fiver?  Thank you, sir.

Ford
You’ve got ten minutes to spend it.

Arthur
Ford, would you please tell me what the hell is going on?  I think I’m beginning to lose my grip on the day.

Ford
Drink up, you’ve got three pints to get through.

Arthur
Three?  At lunchtime?

Ford
Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so.

Arthur
Very deep.  You should send that in to Reader’s Digest.  They’ve got a page for people like you.

Ford
Drink up.

Arthur
Why three pints?

Ford
Muscle relaxant.  You’ll need it.

Arthur
Did I do something wrong today, or has the world always been like this and I’ve been too wrapped up in myself to notice?

Ford
All right.  I’ll try to explain.  How long have we known each other Arthur?


Arthur
Er… Five years, maybe six.  Most of it seemed to make some kind of sense at the time.

Ford
All right.  How would you react if I said that I’m not from Guilford after all, but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?

Arthur
(really baffled now)
I don’t know.  Why, do you think it’s the sort of thing you feel you’re likely to say?

Ford
Drink up, the world’s about to end.

Arthur
This must be a Thursday.  I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

NOISE

Arthur
What’s that?

Ford
Don’t worry, they haven’t started yet.

Arthur
Oh good.

Ford
It’s probably just your house being knocked down.

Arthur
What?

Ford
It hardly makes any difference at this stage.

Arthur
My God it is!  What the hell are they doing?  We had an agreement!

Ford
Let ‘em have their fun.

Arthur
Damn you and your fairy stories, they’re smashing up my house!

Runs out yelling

Arthur
Stop you vandals!  You home wreckers!  You half-crazed Visigoths, stop will you!

Ford
Arthur!  Come back.  It’s pointless!  Hell, I’d better go after him.  Barman, quickly, can you just give me four packets of peanuts?

Barman
Certainly, sir.  There you are, twenty eight pence.

Ford throws more money at him.

Ford
Keep the change.

Barman
Are you serious sir?  I mean, do you really think the world’s going to end this afternoon?

Ford
Yes, in just over one minute and thirty five seconds.

Barman
Well, isn’t there anything we can do?

Ford
No, nothing.

Barman
I always thought we were meant to lie down or put a paper bag over our head or something.

Ford
If you like, yes.

Barman
Will that help?

Ford
No.  Excuse me, I’ve got to find my friend.

Leaves

Barman
Oh well then, last orders please!

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