Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Superman and Mickey Mouse

This is me in my Superman pajamas.  They were a gift from my wife (Hi honey!  Please stop reading now!), and I wear them to be ironic.  Why?  Because Superman is stupid.

Note: If you ask a four-year-old to take your picture, you won't get your whole face.
This is me in my Mickey Mouse hat.  I got it at Disneyland after I lost my old hat.  I bought the Mickey Mouse vampire pin because I was being ironic.  Why?  Because Mickey Mouse is stupid.

You’re probably wondering two things:
  • How did I become such a red hot stud muffin?
    Answer: luck and hard work.
  • Why do I wear things I hate?
    Answer: Well, that’s going to take some time.
I hate Superman and Mickey Mouse because they’re bland and uninteresting characters.  Plinkett explained it best: if you can’t describe a character without using their name, job, or appearance they’re bad characters.

Let’s try that.  Here’s Superman.
I realize he looks kinda pathetic after the picture of me.
How would you describe Superman's personality?  He’s nice.  He’s also…  Well, he’s nice.

That’s the problem I have with all the DC Comics heroes.  Their personalities can be summed up in one word.  Superman is nice.  Batman is grim.  Green Lantern is nice.  Martian Manhunter is grim.  See a pattern?
Note to DC Comics Fans: I don’t know most of these characters except from watching the crappy Justice League cartoon.
I’m much more attached to Marvel Comics’s characters.  Spider Man is tortured by his past, but brilliant and funny.  Wolverine is gruff and violent, but also lost and lonely without his past.  Even The Hulk, my least favorite Marvel character, is really two people at war with each other.

Which brings me to Mickey Mouse.  I’ll let Wil Wheaton explain the problem.
Actually, that has nothing to do with the problem, but I wanted an excuse to use Wil Wheaton.

Disney characters have the same problem as DC characters.  Look at Disney’s “Big Five.” 
Or was that the Fab Five from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?
Donald is frustrated.  Pluto is happy.  Goofy is goofy (someone needs to make a t-shirt with that slogan on it).  And Mickey is…  nice.  “Nice” is the least interesting personality I can imagine.  “Nice” is Superman.

I’ve always liked Warner Brothers cartoons than the Disney ones because the characters are better.  Bugs Bunny is a trickster, a smartass, and a epicurean.  The Coyote is a brilliant man who knows he is doomed to failure.  Daffy Duck is the ancient Egyptian god of frustration.
Just ask any Babylon 5 fan.

Here’s the final irony:

Who has the rights to make cartoons based on DC Comics?  Warner Brothers.

Who has the rights to make cartoons based on Marvel Comics?  Disney.

Could be worse.

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