Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Spanking

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
MOM, DAD, and TIMMY (a five-year-old boy) are sitting in the office waiting for the doctor.  Timmy is sitting on the examination table, screaming nonstop.

DOCTOR (stereotypical older man in a white lab coat) walks in, he’s carrying a pencil and a clipboard that he hardly looks up from.

DAD
Hello, Doctor.

He shakes the Doctor’s hand.

DOCTOR
Mr. Henderson?
DAD

Yes.

The Doctor makes a quick note on the clipboard.

DOCTOR
Mrs. Henderson?

She reaches out to shake his hand.

MOM
Miz.  Ms. Henderson.

Doctor glances at her and makes a longer note on his clipboard.  He shakes her hand. 

DOCTOR
(looks over at Timmy, who is still screaming)
I see you’re in here for behavioral issues.  What seems to be the problem? 

DAD
We love our little Timmy, but he’s a little…  (to his wife) What’s the word, honey?

MOM
Bratty.

Doctor makes a note.

DOCTOR
And what forms of discipline do you use?

DAD
Time outs.

Doctor makes a note.

DOCTOR
How often do you spank him?

MOM
We don’t believe in spanking.

Doctor looks up from his clipboard in shock.

DOCTOR
Well, that’s the problem, then.
 
DAD
(a little too enthusiastic)
We should use corporal punishment?

MOM
But all the research says spanking is harmful.

Doctor laughs.

DOCTOR
My dear, if we doctors only listened to research, we’d have given up leeches and turpentine enemas years ago.

DAD
Yeah, honey.  What makes more sense: that Timmy would eventually learn to control himself if we’re kind to him or if we threatened to beat the snot out of him if he didn’t?

MOM
I don’t know.  I’d just be worried I’d hurt him.
 
DOCTOR
Don’t worry so much.  Beating kids makes them tougher.  You don’t want little Timmy to grow up a wuss do you?  Why, all the world’s greatest men were beaten as kids.

Doctor holds up a picture of Ronald Reagan. 

Mom and Dad sigh happily.
DOCTOR
While the worst were never spanked.
 
Doctor holds up a picture of Adolph Hitler.

  Mom and Dad gasp in horror.
DAD
You’re right.  We’ll start spanking right away.

MOM
But what if we do it wrong?

DOCTOR
Let me show you the proper technique.

Sits down next to Timmy on the examination table.

DOCTOR
First, take your child over your knee.  (He does this.)  Now pull your child’s pants down.  It’s especially important to expose his genitals so he’s humiliated.  (Pulls Timmy’s pants down.)  Now slap him hard on his bottom.

There is a slapping noise.  Timmy, who has been screaming this whole time, screams louder.

DOCTOR
Sometimes it takes a few spanks to get your point across.

Spanks a few more times.  Timmy keeps screaming.

DOCTOR
If that doesn’t work, you can add verbal abuse.  (takes a deep breath and screams as he spanks)  Shut up, you little monster!

Timmy is still screaming.

DOCTOR
Obviously, Timmy should have been spanked as a newborn.  I’ll need to increase the punishment.  Mr. Henderson, can I borrow your belt?

Dad takes off his belt and hands it to the Doctor.  Doctor whacks the kid with it.

DOCTOR
You little shithead!  Shut the hell up or I’ll fucking kill you!
 
Timmy screams louder.

MOM
It’s not working!

DOCTOR
Of course it is!  Everyone knows kids who are spanked are better behaved than those who aren’t.  You just need to increase the punishment.

Grabs Timmy and throws him though the closed window.  The window shatters and Timmy finally goes silent.

DOCTOR
(brushes off his hands)
See!  It always works in the end.

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