Monday, April 16, 2012

Let the Sunshine In


I was not an attractive youth.  I was thin and gangly with a bad haircut and coke-bottle glasses.  Then, one day, I hit puberty. BAM!  Instant sexpot.  What happened?  Back hair happened.

My yearbook photo.
With my new majestic pelt I started dating with abandon (fifteen years later).  Then I realized how unfair I was being to other men (and lesbians) with meager back hair (or no back hair at all!).  I started wearing shirts, which was sad, but got me better service at restaurants.  Whenever I’d go swimming, however, I’d still be swamped with women.
You know you love it, ladies!
I had to deal with my overabundance of sexy hair.
Because back hair means warm love.
I tried a Nair-like substance.  The problem is, after standing in the shower and dousing myself with chemicals, I clogged the drain and still didn’t get a particularly good result.
The delivery system wasn't great, either.
I needed to get a swim shirt, also known as a “rashguard.”  Problem is they’re boring.  If you want a Spider Man shirt, you have to be two years old to fit in it!
No, seriously.
I was hoping for something as cool as my t-shirt collection, but looked and looked (until it seemed the pictures were moving) and couldn’t find anything cool.
Sorry, but purposely bad spelling destroys “cool.”
As it turns out, you can make your own rashguard designs, but they are horribly expensive.  If I could afford to make my own, I would make the coolest rashguard EVER.
Kinda meta, don’t you think?
Until I’m rich, I’ll just have to settle for being a babe magnet.

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