Thursday, April 19, 2012

Dungeons and Ikea


Dungeon Master (early 40s, jarringly handsome): Welcome back, adventurers!

8th Level Thief (chaotic good, crusty but knowledgeable): Welcome back?  This is the first time we’ve played.

5th Level Paladin (lawful good: trusty but dim): No, remember, we used to play twenty years ago.

Thief: Wait, is this the same campaign?  Woah, is this the same character I used to play?  It has the same ring on it from where I put my beer down.  Holy crap, this is the exact same character sheet!  You kept all this crap?

DM: I have a lot of shelf space.

Paladin: Had.  Aren’t you remodeling?

DM: Well, yeah.  My wife told me I had to get rid of all the stuff I wasn’t using and-

Thief: So that’s why you asked us over to play D&D?

1st Level Cleric (neutral annoying): I don’t play Dungeons and Dragons!  Pat Robertson said it was a gateway to Satanism!

Thief: No, that’s Gateway to Apshai.  So, weren’t we playing Expedition to the Barrier Peaks, like, in college?

Paladin: Right!  The one with the space ship.

Cleric: I don’t remember college!

DM: Yeah, you were fighting a rabbit on a stump.  Here.

Thief: That’s the one!

Cleric: Demons!

DM: What?  Oh, no, don’t look at the succubus picture.  I just put the book there to cover up-

Cleric: DEMONS!  Pat Robertson was right!  She makes me feel funny.

Thief: The succubus made everybody feel funny.

DM: So, you killed the monster and underneath you find a door to a new room!

Thief: I check for traps.

DM: You find a spike trap under the carpet.  Someone used the spikes to hold the carpet down, and a cat scratched at it until they were exposed.  The spikes are rusty and could cause tetanus if you stepped on them.

Paladin: Just like your bonus room!

Thief: Ha!

DM: Er, right.  Anyway, here’s the map of the new room.

Paladin: Hey, this looks familiar.

Thief: Wait, is this your garage?

DM: Uh, yeah.  Well, I had to make a diagram so we could pick out new furniture, and I had all this graph paper I wasn’t using.  So I measured and-

Cleric: I know!  Let’s play in the garage!

DM: No, wait.  It’s a mess in there.  We’re throwing stuff out so we-

Paladin: Man, you weren’t kidding.

Thief: Is that wood paneling?

Cleric: It’s so pretty in here!

DM: So, you’re fighting a robot.

Paladin: What, the vacuum cleaner?

DM: No, this one.

Cleric: My character sits on the futon!

Paladin: You can’t.

DM: Huh?  Why not?  I mean, other than the fact it’s a stupid thing to do.

Paladin: There’s no way you could fit a futon into that space.  Not with a treadmill, chair, and those cabinets.  Here, what you need is a fold-out sofa bed.

Thief: Yeah, he’s right.  Look, you need this one.
Cleric: I surprise attack the Xbox!

Paladin: You can’t surprise it, there’s a Kinect sensor.  It could see you coming twelve feet away.

Thief: No, six feet.  The sofa bed is too close for full gameplay.

DM: We aren’t getting a sofa bed.  It looks crummy.

Paladin: Some throw pillows and a slipcover would make it better and bring the whole room together.

Cleric: You’re gay!

Paladin: I am not.

Thief: You do know a lot about interior design.

Paladin: So does Kirk Cameron.

Thief: I rest my case.

Cleric: I attack the gay paladin!

DM: Your infighting is stopped by a rumble in the floor.  The space ship launches itself into the sky, and the airlocks open.  You’re all blown into space and die.

Cleric: Yay!  All the sinners died and went to Hell!

Thief: Beer me!

Paladin: This really is just like playing D&D in college.

Thief: Yeah, but without so much acne.

DM: Can you all leave now?  I have to gather up all this old gaming stuff and burn it.


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