Dungeon Master (early 40s, jarringly handsome): Welcome back, adventurers!
8th Level Thief (chaotic good, crusty but knowledgeable): Welcome back? This is the first time we’ve played.
5th Level Paladin (lawful good: trusty but dim): No, remember, we used to play twenty years ago.
Thief: Wait, is this the same campaign? Woah, is this the same character I used to play? It has the same ring on it from where I put my beer down. Holy crap, this is the exact same character sheet! You kept all this crap?
DM: I have a lot of shelf space.
Paladin: Had. Aren’t you remodeling?
DM: Well, yeah. My wife told me I had to get rid of all the stuff I wasn’t using and-
Thief: So that’s why you asked us over to play D&D?
1st Level Cleric (neutral annoying): I don’t play Dungeons and Dragons! Pat Robertson said it was a gateway to Satanism!
Thief: No, that’s Gateway to Apshai. So, weren’t we playing Expedition to the Barrier Peaks, like, in college?
Paladin: Right! The one with the space ship.
Cleric: I don’t remember college!
DM: Yeah, you were fighting a rabbit on a stump. Here.
Thief: That’s the one!
DM: What? Oh, no, don’t look at the succubus picture. I just put the book there to cover up-
Cleric: DEMONS! Pat Robertson was right! She makes me feel funny.
Thief: The succubus made everybody feel funny.
DM: So, you killed the monster and underneath you find a door to a new room!
Thief: I check for traps.
DM: You find a spike trap under the carpet. Someone used the spikes to hold the carpet down, and a cat scratched at it until they were exposed. The spikes are rusty and could cause tetanus if you stepped on them.
Paladin: Just like your bonus room!
DM: Er, right. Anyway, here’s the map of the new room.
Paladin: Hey, this looks familiar.
Thief: Wait, is this your garage?
DM: Uh, yeah. Well, I had to make a diagram so we could pick out new furniture, and I had all this graph paper I wasn’t using. So I measured and-
Cleric: I know! Let’s play in the garage!
DM: No, wait. It’s a mess in there. We’re throwing stuff out so we-
Paladin: Man, you weren’t kidding.
Thief: Is that wood paneling?
Cleric: It’s so pretty in here!
DM: So, you’re fighting a robot.
Paladin: What, the vacuum cleaner?
DM: No, this one.
Cleric: My character sits on the futon!
Paladin: You can’t.
DM: Huh? Why not? I mean, other than the fact it’s a stupid thing to do.
Paladin: There’s no way you could fit a futon into that space. Not with a treadmill, chair, and those cabinets. Here, what you need is a fold-out sofa bed.
Thief: Yeah, he’s right. Look, you need this one.
Cleric: I surprise attack the Xbox!
Paladin: You can’t surprise it, there’s a Kinect sensor. It could see you coming twelve feet away.
Thief: No, six feet. The sofa bed is too close for full gameplay.
DM: We aren’t getting a sofa bed. It looks crummy.
Paladin: Some throw pillows and a slipcover would make it better and bring the whole room together.
Cleric: You’re gay!
Paladin: I am not.
Thief: You do know a lot about interior design.
Paladin: So does Kirk Cameron.
Thief: I rest my case.
Cleric: I attack the gay paladin!
DM: Your infighting is stopped by a rumble in the floor. The space ship launches itself into the sky, and the airlocks open. You’re all blown into space and die.
Cleric: Yay! All the sinners died and went to Hell!
Thief: Beer me!
Paladin: This really is just like playing D&D in college.
Thief: Yeah, but without so much acne.
DM: Can you all leave now? I have to gather up all this old gaming stuff and burn it.