Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Romantic Sex Comedy Monologue

I've tried to write romantic comedies before, but I never can seem to get the guys right.  Guys really don't want romance, so they kinda have to be pulled in.  Here's my most recent attempt to create a sleazy guy who later turns into a love interest.

INT. Restaurant - DAY
ALLEN, a handsome and well-dressed young man, sits at a restaurant table talking to someone O.S.

Let’s get one thing straight before we go any further.  I’m a heterosexual male.  A normal heterosexual male.  I’m not secretly gay.  I don’t have any emotional hangups or mental illness.  My mother never dropped me on my head as a child, least I don’t think so.

I’m a perfectly normal guy, which means I want to fuck every hot chick on Earth.

When I mean hot, I don’t mean in an “everyone is beautiful” or “movies create unrealistic expectations” way.  I mean supermodel hot.  I mean porn star hot.  I mean young.  Rail thin.  Big boobs.  Long legs.  Firm ass.

I don’t care if she’s a bitch.  I don’t care if she’s stupid.  I don’t care if she’s a slut.  I don’t care if she’s young enough to be my daughter.  I don’t care if she’s married and has six kids and a husband on life support.  If she’s hot, I want her.

That’s what every guy wants.  They may not know it, but it’s what they feel.  It’s what they do.  Romance is just a smokescreen.  Romance was invented so poor men could marry rich women.  Then they could spend all their money and fuck all their chamber maids.

You know what a man is really saying when he asks you to marry him?  It’s not “My life is incomplete without you.”  It’s not “I want you and nobody else for the rest of my life.”  It’s not “I want to grow old and die with you.”  No.  When a man proposes to a woman, he’s saying “I can’t get enough pussy anymore.  I might as well stick with you.”

That’s why men have so many affairs.  The sex gets stale or boring or maybe she just gets old.  One day he just up and says “Heck with this, I need to bang someone new.”  And if he can’t, he’ll jerk off.  That’s why men invented porn, because they couldn’t score with the hotties.

So, tell me, you still want to move in?

He pauses for a beat.

So, what do you think?

MARGE, a waitress in her mid-forties, is holding two pots of coffee staring at him with obvious dislike.

I dunno, honey.  I’d just tell her you’re not that into her.  So, regular or decaf?


justjayit said...

I don't know how I stumbled onto this, but I really like this. Is there more to the story??

Matthew Kagle said...

There is, although I'm not sure which story. I have several screenplays bumping around in my head, but haven't decided which one this fits in.

The most likely one is the story about the young executive who doesn't like dating so starts interviewing perspective husbands. I could never get the love interest right on that one.

Really, though, this piece was just something I wanted to say. Guys are scum. We don't mean to be, but we are.

And thanks!