Public Nudity

"Who put the porn on my crystal ball?"

Over the years, I’ve accumulated a few objects of power.  Infused with eldritch wizardry, they channel power not meant to be held within the human sphere.  Combined, with the Greyhawk of Blackmoor, I…

In memory of Gary Gygax.

That’s not working is it?  Lemmie start over.

I have three things that I always wear.  Without them, I feel naked.  I just had the buckle repaired, after not wearing it for several years so, in my mind, I’ve been naked in front of you for a long time.

Think about that the next time you invite me over for lunch.

And we all know how uncomfortable that movie was.

The Belt Buckle
Forged in the Demon Pits of Ur, the Dragon Belt Buckle…

Most people don't see it from this angle.

Oh, right.  Sorry.

Forged in the silversmith classes of Cape Cod, Massachusetts, the dragon belt buckle was made for me by my father.  I wore it for years.

In college, friends told me to get rid of it; they insisted it was the reason I was single and alone.  In hindsight, it was probably less to do with the belt buckle itself and more to do with the fact I told people it was the focus of the mystical dragon force that granted me powers to defend the weak.

"Hey, that’s my shtick!"

Or, maybe it was the coke-bottle glasses and bad haircut that kept the babes away.

The Ring
When I got married, I wanted to have a unique wedding ring.  A shop called Ida’s Gems and Designs boasted interesting wedding rings and the owner was impressed with an idea I sketched out.

I have to wear it in this direction.  If I wear it the other way, my Blackmoor gets caught in my Greyhawk.

He put a lot of effort into the design.  Every week or so, I’d stop in and he’d show me what he’d done so far; he really enjoyed the challenge.  A few months ago, I read that he had died and was quite upset.  We have so few real artists in this world.

The Watch

The problem with having a ring that’s made of platinum and red gold (rose gold, if you’re a woman) is finding other accessories that match it.


And this outfit chafes.

After years of looking, I ran across this watch at a Tag Heuer outlet mall in Palm Springs.  I wanted to buy it immediately, but Tag Heuer is expensive.  About two years later, I found the price had gone down and had them send it to me.

My watch also comes pre-equipped with Robert Downey Junior.

After three years, I found an authorized dealer nearby and dropped it off for maintenance.  The guy called me back the next day.

Technically, grey market.

“You know this watch is black market, right?”

Someone at the store had burned off the serial number.  Best guess is that the salesperson bought my watch off eBay for cheap and sent it to me at Tag Heuer prices.

So, next time you see me, check to see if I have all three on.  If not, I’m naked.

And now it's a running gag.