Thursday, March 1, 2012

Other Things to do on a Disney Cruise



Today I am continuing from yesterday’s post on what to do on a Disney cruise.  If, after a few days, you have grown tired of the constant cycle of overeating and vomiting, you can:


Remove excess blood from your eyes
Every night of the cruise there is a different stage play.  These plays are carefully written, choreographed, and costumed to make children jump and laugh with delight.  The parents will try to stab their own eyes out at just how trite and mawkish they are.
They’re that bad.
Think about how much money you’re spending
Each ship has a movie theater showing Disney films.  In addition, each stateroom on the ship has a television with instant access to every single Disney movie ever made (minus “Song of the South”).  While your children watch hours of movies, you can think how much money you would have saved if you had just bought a Netflix subscription instead of cruise tickets.
I can’t imagine why they don’t show this anymore.
Feel superior
Disney cruise guests have a strict hierarchy.  First time guests are the bottom of the pecking order, forced to wear tiny Donald Duck insignias to mark their shame.  On your second cruise, you get bumped up to the “Castaway Club” and receive a silver lanyard and a Goofy insignia.  Silver members are allowed a quicker entry onto the ship and can open-hand slap anyone they meet wearing a Donald Duck insignia.  It’s a tremendous way to pass the time.
Ha! Loser!
Feel inferior
There are gold and platinum members of the Castaway Club, too.  They outrank silver members.  Try not to make direct eye contact with them.
Bastards.
Spend money
There are five stores on the ship that sell all kinds of useless memorabilia.  In addition, any alcoholic beverage, adults-only meal, toy, game, princess dress, clothing care, or almost anything you can imagine is an extra charge.  The ship sets sail at a financial loss and it’s Disney’s duty to squeeze as much money out of you as it can before the end of the cruise.

Just give the mouse your money.
Key Cay
Disney’s private island is called “Castaway Cay.”  The word “cay” is pronounced “key.”  You can spend hours trying to figure that one out.
Not cay, key. Not cay, key.
Annoy your waiters
That’s actually kinda fun.  I’ll go into detail tomorrow.

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