Wednesday, March 7, 2012

GDC 2012 Report - The Crap

I've gone to all (but one) Game Developers Conferences since 1997.  That means:
  1. Unless you are a game god, I outrank you.
  2. I've spent enough on conference passes to fund the construction of an interstate highway.
  3. I know where the good stuff is.
The good stuff, is of course, all the free crap companies give out.  The GDC is extremely expensive for companies ($7,000 for a 10x10 booth expensive), so they try to bring people in by giving out free stuff.

There's another way they bring you in, but I'll cover that later.  In detail.
There a few major categories of free stuff.
Total Crap
Yeah, you heard me companies with bad stuff!  Your keychains, pens, bottle openers, and iPod covers can bite my fuzzy, white butt.  You know the only thing worse than a booth that gives out tiny candies or temporary tattoos?
No crap at all!  I go over to your booth, talk to some guy who tries to sell me an awful product, pick up the literature so I can pretend to read it, and then find out there's nothing good to take!  By the end of the day, I'm stooped over with the weight of dead trees advertising your monetization scheme or advertising API.  Every booth should come with a discreet recycling bin.
Shirts are almost as bad as Total Crap.  I used to love free shirts, but now that my mother doesn't dress me anymore (hi mom!), I stopped collecting free shirts that come apart in the washing machine.
No, we shall not.
Now my wife dresses me from the Gap and I only wish they'd come apart in the wash.
Squeezy Stuff
Normally, I wouldn't waste my time on stress relievers, they tend to explode into a pile of little fuzzy bits after an hour of use.  Still, mykids like them, so I pick them up.  They come in four kinds:
Ripe for abuse.
Christmas Story
"You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"
The rubber band darts are more likely to break off your thumb than go anywhere.
And this...  This is just fucking awesome.
Note to GDC conference goers: don't eat the free candy.  Exhibitors poison them in hopes you'll collapse in the booth and they can talk to you into buying their tree rendering software.
"Can I hold your hair back while I show you our B2B servers?"
Nice try, guys.  There's no way this isn't either a virus or a cheapo demo.
"Delirium" will be followed by the sequels "Nausea" and "Fever Blisters."
The final category is kinda the "no-category" category.  Oh, okay, fine.  It's weird but worth mentioning.
Spin this ball and it changes color!
Facebook, gamers don't need chip clips.  We eat the whole bag in one sitting.  Sheesh.
Tomorrow, I'll cover hot babes.  Well, uncover if I'm lucky.


Anonymous said...

Hehe that was fun to read cant wait for the hot babe special!

Dont miss the shot glasses in the free crap (IGT booth), theyre actually decent!

Matthew Kagle said...

Yeah, but what does one do with a single shot glass?!