Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Wave Phones

Most bloggers will give you cruise reports in the same, old, boring way.  They tell you what to pack, what food to eat or places to visit, or what to avoid.  Not me, I tell you the important stuff.

When you go on a Disney cruise, you don’t get to use your smart phone.  It’s not just that the cell phone towers are far away, but that the roaming charges are insane.  And when I say “insane” I don’t mean the “Thinks Ronald Reagan was the greatest postwar president” kind of insane.  I mean the “Smears poop on himself” kind of insane.

For example, roaming charges in the Bahamas is $3.00 per day.

Plus $1 per minute!

There are similar roaming charges if you want to use the ship’s services, so most non-poop smearing people avoid it.  Then they have to turn their phones off for the whole trip.
It’s that hard.
The first day of the cruise, you reach into your pocket every few minutes to check your phone only to realize it isn’t there.  On the second day, a sense of confusion comes over you.  By the third day, you constantly wonder what’s going on with your Facebook friends and what the definition of tautology is and write down the questions to look up when you get back home.

Then you discover the Wave Phone.
Although, you can barely call it a phone.
The Wave Phones were designed in the 1920s and have none of the basic features of modern cell phones, such as:
  • Ringing
  • Dial tones
  • Busy signals
  • Connecting people through telephony
You’re supposed to use Wave Phones to call other people from the boat, but most of the time you just sit and stare at it, wishing it would do something more.  After a while, in a fit of internet withdrawal, I began trying to use my Wave Phone like a smart phone (in other words, calling people at random and asking them questions).  Such as:

“Do you have any funny cat pictures?”

“Can you ‘Like’ my blog?”

“Who is nominated for the Best Second Unit Director in a Foreign Film Oscar?”

“How do you spell 'perambulate?'”

And, most frequently:

“Can you send me pictures of naked women sitting in a tub of grape Jell-O?  I can’t download images.  You’ll have to slide them under my stateroom door.  Hello?”

It’s not surprising that the most popular cruises only last four days.
Unfortunately for me, when I got to shore and restarted my cell phone, it died.  I’ve been without a phone for over a week now.

So, um, just slide those pictures under my door when you get the chance.


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