Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Two Things You Do on a Disney Cruise

Continuing on with my Frank Assessment of what goes on during a Disney cruise.
The name’s Frank. Frank Assessment.
There are really only two things you do on a Disney cruise:
  • Get sick.
  • Eat.
Sometimes at the same time.

Okay, yeah, there are a lot of little things you do on a cruise, like hang over the edge of your verandah looking at the ocean while you eat and puke, but I’ll cover those tomorrow.  Today, let’s just cover the two biggies.

Getting Sick
Getting sick on a cruise is inevitable, but not for the reason you might think.  Nobody gets seasick on a modern cruise, because the ships are too big to move in the waves.  It rocks a bit when the ship moves fast, but that feels like a 4.0 earthquake.  For all of my readers who aren’t from California and haven’t experienced an earthquake, it feels like when the cops shake your home to wake you up and move it to another parking lot.

Most of the people who get sick on a cruise are sick from viruses.  While you see crewmembers (excuse me, castmembers) constantly handing out disinfecting wipes and wiping down railings, it’s inevitable that someone will bring the Norovirus onboard and it will spread like…  Well, it will spread like the Norovirus in an enclosed space.
Consider buying vacation insurance.
Eating
One of the major problems on being on a big ship with nothing to do is that you’re on a big ship with nothing to do.  To counteract that problem, each Disney vessel is equipped with six restaurants.  No, I’m not making that up.  Six restaurants:
  1. The always-open buffet.
  2. The disappointing-looking green restaurant.
  3. The princess-ey restaurant that girls love and boys hate.
  4. The over-the top restaurant with interactive cartoons that kids love and parents hate.
  5. The adults-only restaurant, that kids hate and parents love.
  6. The other adults-only restaurant, so you can hide from your kids after they find out you’re abandoning them again.
There’s also three bars, but I won’t go into those because I covered drinking in Getting Sick, above.  Anyway, the point is that eating on a cruise is the main thing people do.  Dinners last for three hours.  Lunch has four courses.  I was honestly shocked when I found I hadn’t gained any weight at the end.  This is what I looked like before:
Ewww.
And what I look like now:
Oh, yeah!
So, cruise life might agree with me.

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