Friday, February 10, 2012

Plagiarism for Fun and Profit 2

Continuing on yesterday's post where I decided to emulate other sites to bump up my hits.  After going to Dooce, I went to Belle de Jour.  Belle’s site became wildly popular after only a few weeks of blogging.  Why?  Because she wrote about her life as a prostitute.  She wrote anonymously and, after years of people claiming she wasn’t a real person, revealed the truth.  She wasn’t a prostitute after all; she was a former prostitute.  Now she’s a research scientist.

Actually, I think all research scientists have sex for money.

Can you spot the research scientist?
Would prostitution get me more hits?  Let’s see.

As I sit by the shore in Calais (vacation time!), I worry about what my doctor said.  I’m ill, you see.  It’s a natural byproduct of my profession.

Yes, I have the flu.

Ha!  You thought I had a venereal disease, didn’t you?  Well, I don’t!  Get over yourself.

I drink my wine (a nice shiraz) and read the magazine as the cool wind blows over me.  Then I realize my magazine has a bad review of my blog in it.  I’m quite miffed.  After all, the reviewer gets many facts about me wrong.  Also, she’s ugly.

We have an in-joke in the “biz.”  By “biz,” of course, I mean prostitution.

Oh, yes, I’m a prostitute.  Get over yourself.

The joke is, if you’re ugly, you have to give sex away for free.  Our profession has a dry wit.

Unfortunately, I’ve never had people give me money for sexual favors.  I’ve hardly even had people pay me for work. 

Finally, I looked at Tucker Max. 
I keep wondering what he's hanging on to with his left arm in this pic.
Mr. Max writes about three things:
  1. Being drunk
  2. Being a drunk and a jackass
  3. Being a drunk and a jackass while having sex with large numbers of women
I never realized those three things were mutually inclusive until I started reading his blog.  It seems women just love drunk jackasses.  No, I’m completely serious here, read this quote from his article entitled (The Midget Story).

“I literally don’t have enough dick for all the pussy that gets thrown at me just through my site.”

Of course, he could be making his experiences up, but his relationship with beauty pageant winners, and the pride with which some women have in sleeping with him is well documented.

I’m not a fan of misogyny, but Tucker Max has the kind of wealth and fame I could only hope my blog could achieve for me.  So, here goes.

So, I woke up naked and in a pool of my own vomit.  Same old, same old, right?  I had a three-alarm hangover and wanted to drink it off, but my phone started ringing.

It was CocoPuff.

“Yo, man, wazzup,” said CocoPuff.

“Fuck you,” I said.  Not only do I give all my friends annoying nicknames, but I also treat them like crap.

“Yo man, you know who I saw?”

“Fuck you,” I said again.  Ha!  I’m so funny.  I’m a drunk jackass who sleeps with hundreds of women.  (And I list all of their names in my book Drunk Jackasses Get More Sex Than You.  Buy now!)

“Madeleine Albright!”

I pissed myself.

No, I literally peed on myself.  I felt sorry for the guy who owned the SUV.  Ah, who am I kidding?  I couldn’t care less about him.

“Are you kidding me?  You saw Albright?”

“Yup, she’s sitting next to me at the bar.”

I’ve had a lot of sex.  It’s boring to me now, but I don’t know what else to write about, so I set up a list of kinds of chicks I’d like to bang so I could brag about it on my blog.  They are:

  • A woman in a coma.
    Not really difficult, per se, but I’d have to get her family to sign some kind of consent decree.
  • Any female, pro-life, political candidate who doesn’t have a history of mental illness or brain damage.
    I’ve heard she exists, but I can’t find her.
  • The entire Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Squad.
    I’ve already slept with them all individually.  I want to sleep with them all at the same time, and I want their boyfriends to be sitting in the room watching.
  • Every female Secretary of State.
    I already nailed Condoleeza, who is kinky as hell, and have a “maybe if I’m drunk” offer from Hillary.  Madeleine would complete the trifecta.
This was my chance.  I jumped out of the SUV and ran for the bar.

So, what do you think?  Which style should I adopt?

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