Facebook Parenting for Troubled Teens

On Friday, everybody posted this video of a jackass parent disciplining his child.

The video was upsetting, but what was more upsetting was how overwhelmingly supportive people were about his methods.  I decided to make the response video, below.  Or, I would make a response video, if I knew where the video camera was.  You’ll just have to imagine it.

EXT. GRASSY FIELD –DAY

A single Adirondack chair sits in the field.  DAD comes in from the right, having just set up the camera, and sits in the chair.

DAD

Hello, Esmerelda.  This video is for

you and all of your (makes air quotes

with fingers) “friends” on Facebook. 

Oh, yeah, you thought you had blocked me

from your feed, didn’t you?  Well, you

did, but I stole your laptop last

night and cracked your password.

Dad takes folded up paper from his pocket.

DAD

And look what I found!  Here’s

your status for Monday.  “I

have the best parents in the world.

  Their tough, but so supportive.” 

I can’t believe it.  You are such a CUNT!

Holds up paper to camera so we can see the word “their” highlighted.

DAD

I warned you, you little skank. 

If you used the wrong form of

“they’re” in a sentence, I would

get you back.  Well, payback is

here and it’s just as much of a

bitch as you are.

Holds up laptop.

DAD

See this?  This is the

laptop I bought you.  The

one you used to write

this piece of crap.

Dad throws laptop on the ground and stands, pulling out a pistol.

DAD

These are armor-piercing,

cop killer bullets.  I had to

drive to Tijuana for them because
they’re illegal in the US. 

They cost fifteen Pesos each.  You’re

going to have to pay me back

 for them, in Pesos.

Unloads six rounds into the laptop

CUT TO:

INT. GIRL’S ROOM – DAY
It’s a small room with a close and books on a bookshelf.  DAD enters the room.

DAD

You know what?  The laptop

isn’t enough.

He grabs a set of YEARBOOKS off the bookshelf and starts ripping them to shreds.

DAD

Yeah, say goodbye to all your high

school memories!

Dad stops at a picture of a girl.  Someone has signed the yearbook underneath the picture.  He holds the picture up to the camera.

DAD

See this?  That’s Madison, who

died of Leukemia last year.  

(reads, mocking)  “Best

friends forever!  Madison.”

Dad rips picture up and drops it on the carpet with the rest.

DAD

You’re going to clean that

up by yourself.

Dad goes to the closet and opens it.  Inside are t-shirts on hangers covered in drycleaning plastic.

DAD

And what do we have here?  All

your concert shirts that you

kept in mint condition because you

loved them so much.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The living room has a large fireplace.  The Dad is shoving the shirts into the fire, bags, hangers, and all.  The plastic melts all over the floor and creates thick, black smoke.

DAD

(coughing)

Yeah, that’s a terrible mess.  You’ll

have to clean it up, too.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Dad dumps a small collection of makeup into the toilet.

DAD

Hey, girl, there goes all your

whore makeup!  Now your boyfriend will

see how ugly you really are.

He flushes and the toilet overflows on the floor.

DAD

You’re going to have to clean

that up, too.  And you ain’t

getting a plunger or a brush.  You’re

going to have to reach in there with

your hands and fish them out! 

(looks over at the tub)  That

gives me an idea.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – LATER

DAD sits naked in the tub, which is filled with water.

DAD

(counting on fingers)

Well, I fucked up your social

life, your home life, and all

of your precious memories.  Looks

like there’s only one more thing

to do.  I’m going to fuck up your

emotional life.

Takes a razor blade from the side of the tub and cuts deep into his wrists.  Blood squirts everywhere.

DAD

Ha!  What do you think

of that?

Begins to get woozy and leans his head back against the wall.

DAD

And… You’re gonna… Have to

pay for the therapy… Yourself.

Dad faints.

FADE OUT