Friday, February 10, 2012

Facebook Parenting for Troubled Teens

On Friday, everybody posted this video of a jackass parent disciplining his child.



The video was upsetting, but what was more upsetting was how overwhelmingly supportive people were about his methods.  I decided to make the response video, below.  Or, I would make a response video, if I knew where the video camera was.  You’ll just have to imagine it.


EXT. GRASSY FIELD –DAY
A single Adirondack chair sits in the field.  DAD comes in from the right, having just set up the camera, and sits in the chair.

DAD
Hello, Esmerelda.  This video is for
you and all of your (makes air quotes
with fingers) “friends” on Facebook. 
Oh, yeah, you thought you had blocked me
from your feed, didn’t you?  Well, you
did, but I stole your laptop last
night and cracked your password.

Dad takes folded up paper from his pocket.

DAD
And look what I found!  Here’s
your status for Monday.  “I
have the best parents in the world.
  Their tough, but so supportive.” 
I can’t believe it.  You are such a CUNT!

Holds up paper to camera so we can see the word “their” highlighted.

DAD
I warned you, you little skank. 
If you used the wrong form of
“they’re” in a sentence, I would
get you back.  Well, payback is
here and it’s just as much of a
bitch as you are.

Holds up laptop.

DAD
See this?  This is the
laptop I bought you.  The
one you used to write
this piece of crap.

Dad throws laptop on the ground and stands, pulling out a pistol.

DAD
These are armor-piercing,
cop killer bullets.  I had to
drive to Tijuana for them because
they’re illegal in the US. 
They cost fifteen Pesos each.  You’re
going to have to pay me back
 for them, in Pesos.

Unloads six rounds into the laptop

CUT TO:
INT. GIRL’S ROOM – DAY
It’s a small room with a close and books on a bookshelf.  DAD enters the room.

DAD
You know what?  The laptop
isn’t enough.

He grabs a set of YEARBOOKS off the bookshelf and starts ripping them to shreds.

DAD
Yeah, say goodbye to all your high
school memories!

Dad stops at a picture of a girl.  Someone has signed the yearbook underneath the picture.  He holds the picture up to the camera.

DAD
See this?  That’s Madison, who
died of Leukemia last year.  
(reads, mocking)  “Best
friends forever!  Madison.”

Dad rips picture up and drops it on the carpet with the rest.

DAD
You’re going to clean that
up by yourself.

Dad goes to the closet and opens it.  Inside are t-shirts on hangers covered in drycleaning plastic.

DAD
And what do we have here?  All
your concert shirts that you
kept in mint condition because you
loved them so much.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The living room has a large fireplace.  The Dad is shoving the shirts into the fire, bags, hangers, and all.  The plastic melts all over the floor and creates thick, black smoke.

DAD
(coughing)
Yeah, that’s a terrible mess.  You’ll
have to clean it up, too.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Dad dumps a small collection of makeup into the toilet.

DAD
Hey, girl, there goes all your
whore makeup!  Now your boyfriend will
see how ugly you really are.

He flushes and the toilet overflows on the floor.

DAD
You’re going to have to clean
that up, too.  And you ain’t
getting a plunger or a brush.  You’re
going to have to reach in there with
your hands and fish them out! 
(looks over at the tub)  That
gives me an idea.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – LATER
DAD sits naked in the tub, which is filled with water.

DAD
(counting on fingers)
Well, I fucked up your social
life, your home life, and all
of your precious memories.  Looks
like there’s only one more thing
to do.  I’m going to fuck up your
emotional life.

Takes a razor blade from the side of the tub and cuts deep into his wrists.  Blood squirts everywhere.

DAD
Ha!  What do you think
of that?

Begins to get woozy and leans his head back against the wall.

DAD
And… You’re gonna… Have to
pay for the therapy… Yourself.

Dad faints.

FADE OUT

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