Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Crazy Crap from Rite Aid: Nutballs


There was just too much stuff to cover in yesterday's post, so I had to break it up into two parts.  The last time, I covered the second-hand toys Rite-Aid sells.  This time I'm covering the stuff only bought by complete nutball whack-jobs.

Or, you know, people who shop at Rite-Aid.


When I passed these candles, I thought how patently absurd they were.

Because, what's more holy than a candle bought at Rite-Aid?
They have these prayers painted on the back and, I assume, if you light them it sends that prayer to God.  Judging from how many there are (and similar displays at Target) people must burn a lot of prayers.  This got me thinking, if burning paraffin gives you a connection to God, then what about peanut butter buckeyes?!

I started making these a few years ago, and they're terrifically popular.  However, you need to mix paraffin with the chocolate to make it melt properly.  What happens if I burn them?  Does my chocolate give me a connection to God or...

SATAN?!
Yes, there is a satanic chocolate mold.  Actually, this is the Krampus.
After a while I realized I was being judgmental.  Why is burning a candle to talk to God any dumber than speaking noises to God or thinking at God?   Why is it any dumber than this?
The end of the world IN MAGAZINE FORM!

Yes, you too can be kept up-to-date on all of your end of the world news.  The world will end in 2012 of course.  Why?  Because the Mayans (who were smarter and more accomplished than we are because they aren't around for us to ridicule) were better than we are.

Ah, I'm being judgmental again.  Why is that magazine any dumber than this book?
Watch out for "They!"
Yes, beware "They."  "They" are out to get you.  "They" are the ones who steal the socks from your dryer, cause inflation, and make athlete's foot.  "They" are so scary and dangerous we have to use quotes around their nonexistent name.

"They" are quite insidious.  First, "They" created a hundred years of scientific advances in medicine.  Second, "They" created large companies to distribute that medicine.  Finally, "They" reap huge profits from people who could be cured of their terrible diseases by chewing on some weed growing in the back yard.

"They" are sneaky people.  "They" must be stopped.  "They" probably don't shop at Rite-Aid.

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