Friday, January 13, 2012

My Hundred Year Predictions

I wasn’t feeling like real news the other day, so I looked on the BBC’s website.  In between articles about how to keep your pinky raised at tea time, and how the British government is now a bunch of “mullycoddled wot wot cricketers,” I found this article: Ten 100 Year Predictions that Came True.

A hundred years ago, a man named John Elfreth Watkins published an article in the Ladies Home Journal (between articles about how to keep your pinky raised at tea time, and how the British government is now a bunch of “mullycoddled wot wot cricketers”) about what our century would be like.  Most of his predictions, bizarre as they seemed at the time, came true.

It got me thinking that somebody should make a new set of predictions for the next hundred years.  It would have to be somebody with integrity and wisdom.  Somebody who has the vision to see the future and the skill to explain it to a lay audience.  Somebody with a unique voice and a vast audience.

He wasn’t available, so I decided to do it.


Prediction 1: Jet packs.
Everyone always predicts we’ll have personal jet packs to fly around.  It never comes true because the fuel is too bulky and nobody likes the idea of drunk teenagers falling from the sky.  Still, I’m going to predict it because everyone always predicts jet packs.
They'll also fight Nazis and carry busty women around.
Prediction 2: No more monitors or television screens.
They’re just now starting to make contact lenses that show computer displays.  Everyone will eventually have them built into their eyes to access the internet and see virtual “air tags” wherever they go.  Hackers will create viruses that will make the lenses go completely black when users cross the road, drive cars, perform delicate surgery, or watch any of the Twilight movies.
Of course, people might gouge their own eyes out at a Twilight movie.
Prediction 3: Twilight movies.
Yeah, they’ll still be around.  They’ll become so popular that it will be impossible to go see a movie that isn’t about a sparkly vampire or a self-obsessed teenager with a ridiculous name.
Also, all restaurants will become Taco Bells.
Prediction 4: Pornography.
All pornography will disappear to be replaced by monogamy and fidelity.  Nah, just kidding.  Porn will become so great people will stop having sex.  Children will be created in a lab by robots dedicated to keeping the human race from going extinct.
I don't care how much plastic surgery you get, you'll never be "cartoon character hot."
Prediction 5: Aliens.
Humans will finally make contact with an advanced alien civilization.  Unfortunately, as the aliens will have less in common with us than we have with algae, our contact will be brief and uninteresting.
"Hey, you're a living being, too?  Good for you!  Um, bye."
Prediction 6: Armageddon.
The world ends in 2012, so none of these predictions come true, including this one. 

Yeah, think about that for a moment.

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