A Modest Proposal

You have probably seen the ads and billboards I have that urge you to adopt a pet from a shelter rather than buying one from a breeder.  I don’t care much for these ads.


Well, okay, some of them are pretty hot.

 Yes, four million animals are euthanized in shelters every year.  Yes, pets that come from breeders do take homes that could go to animals in shelter.  Yes, this guy is gay.


Parents, don’t name your kids “Booboo.” You’re just asking for trouble.

However, what PETA isn’t taking into account with their ads is that most of those euthanized animals really suck as pets.  Let me tell you about my cats.

Or, as I like to call them, the “fur ball machines.”

I have what are widely regarded as the greatest cats on the planet.  They’re so pretty that people who come to my door with petitions tell me how adorable they are (and completely ignore my adorable children).  They’re so friendly that people I know who are allergic to cats still describe them as “awesome!”

“It was totally worth it to pet them.”

My cats are so patient that they let my four year old repeatedly wrap them up in blankets and jump on top of them.

You may ask me how I found such amazing pets.

(Go on, ask me.  I’ll wait.)

I got them from a breeder.  That’s right, I decided that, instead of rescuing two cats from slaughter, I would buy two new ones.

They still had that “new cat smell.”

Really, my wife made the decision.  I had never had a mammal as pet before, and she was concerned that we’d get cats who scratched the kids or the furniture, didn’t use their litter box, or were just mean.  She told me that buying a pet from a shelter was a bit of a risk and that her family had adopted a cat when she was a little girl and then taken it back to be euthanized after it scratched her face and permanently scarred her.

Packs of strays cause enormous damage to the environment and to endangered species.  Adoption does cut down on their numbers a bit, but there just aren’t enough homes in the country to fit all of those animals in.  However, even if everyone in the country adopted a cat, there’d still be a problem.  So, what do we do?

My suggestion is we solve the problem the way we solved the problem with another animal that was once overpopulated and a serious danger.

Here’s a hint.

Here’s my plan: round up all the stray cats and dogs, bring them to a fenced in lot where we feed and care for them in a group.  Once the animals have gained a healthy amount of weight, they are transported to a facility where they are “processed.”  After processing, we distribute the meat and fur to the homeless.

Problem solved!