Problem 5: Rug rats and being a living killing machine.After having kids and having to wear pajamas again (my boys tend to like punching me in the testicles when they see them), I had a harder time getting to sleep. I remembered how an old girlfriend asked me to put my hand between her knees so they wouldn’t touch while she was sleeping and started putting an extra pillow there.
|And I know what you’re thinking, perverts. You try starting something with a hand that has fallen asleep from being squished between two bony knees all night.|
Solution: Sound machine.
I took this in my bathroom mirror. Honest.
|My decapitated panda head from when I was a child.|
|Is it crowded in here or is it my giant biceps?|
Solution: Kill the cats. No, just kidding. My wife gave me her extra pillow to put over my head.
So, here’s my sleeping preparation checklist. I have to follow it every night to make sure I can get to sleep.
- Put on pajamas and brush teeth.
- Get in bed.
- Pile up pillows behind back
- Turn on sound machine.
- Read to wife until she snores.
- Put book away.
- Put Pillow 1 between knees.
- Pull covers over body.
- Put decapitated panda under arm.
- Place head between two pillows.