Monday, January 23, 2012

Prison Dating

Guys, I want you to imagine something for a moment: You’ve been travelling in a foreign land and falsely convicted of a serious crime.  With little hope of any reprieve, you are sent off to one of the most unpleasant prison camps on earth.

You are fed meals that are barely nutritious enough to keep you alive.  You are assigned to hours of work, lifting heavy loads or running up and down stairs with messages.  Your clothing is ill-fitting and uncomfortable, barely more than rags.  Every day, the guards laugh and jeer at you and, if one of them takes issue with you, you can be forced to take drugs or undergo surgery.  After years of this treatment, you receive a reward for your good behavior: you are allowed to have a girlfriend.
Now answer this question.  After years of starving, backbreaking work, and abuse, how good of a boyfriend do you think you would be?
You were probably thinking "I'm in prison.  What other choice do I have?"
The point I’m trying to make is: never date a model or actress.  Why?  Because everything I wrote above is what models and actresses do to themselves to fit into the modern ideal of beauty.  They starve themselves and take diet pills (or smoke), exercise for hours every day, undergo plastic surgery, and wear absurdly uncomfortable and impractical clothes.  They do all of that so people like you will find them attractive.
And they're proud of it.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m really hungry, I’m a total bastard.  I can’t imagine dating (let alone marrying) someone who is like that all the time.  I buy her chocolates as a gift and she thinks I’m trying to make her fat.  We go out to dinner at a nice restaurant, and, through the whole meal, she stares at me angrily over her tiny salad as I eat.  I buy tickets to a movie and she can’t go because she has to go to her spinning class, Pilates class, aerobics class, exercise until you faint class.  If I make the smallest mistake, she snaps at me or bursts into tears.

I think we’d probably break up pretty quickly.
Oooor, maybe that wouldn't be a good idea.
I’m not saying that models and actresses can never find a happy relationship.  I’m saying they can only find happiness with other models and actors.  If they can pair up with someone who is also starving, constantly exercising, and spending all their money on goofy outfits, at least they can be crazy together, just like athletes should only date other athletes and Republicans should only date other brain-trauma survivors.
"Hey, you like Ron Paul, too?  Are you free on Saturday?"
So, guys, next time you decide to ask out a woman who looks like a model, stop yourself.  There’s really little chance it’s going to work out long term.  Instead, just ask her to have sex.

And remember: you close your eyes when you kiss, you turn the lights off when you have sex.  What does it matter what she looks like?  It matters if you get along!

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