Sigma Phi Epsilon

Like all both of my readership, I was shocked to hear about the survey the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity sent to its members.  According to this news article, the survey included the question: “If you could rape someone, who would it be?”

First of all, it’s "whom would it be?"

Second, the question wasn’t nearly as shocking as what the recipients of the survey answered.  It turns out that the frat (who has an impressive set of alumni) has been giving out the survey to members for decades, although they only recently changed the word to “rape” from “screw over.”

The police seized the giant trove of completed surveys and read some of the answers at a press conference.  Here’s a sampling:

Julian Assange: Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton: Bill Clinton

AT&T: iPhone owners

Kim Kardashian: Good taste

Britney Spears: Sanity

Jerry Bruckheimer: Plot

Dick Cheney: Some poor schlub tied to a table with water pouring up his nose.

Barak Obama: Any hope democrats might have of ever getting having a liberal president.

Angelina Jolie: Jennifer Aniston

George W. Bush: What was the question?

Lindsay Lohan: My career

Tom Cruise: Any hot guy

Kanye West: I’ma gonna finish this survey, but Delta Tau Rho is the best fraternity of ALL TIME!

Hugh Heffner: Someone with honesty, intelligence, romance, a cute smile, and good communications skills!  Hee hee!

Lady Gaga: Fashion

Oprah Winfrey: Doctors, ranchers, novelists.  I'll take 'em all.

Justin Bieber: Loads and loads of teenage boys!

Tiger Woods: Well, not my wife, anyway.

Taylor Swift: Huh?

Simon Cowell: Everyone.

Katy Perry: Gay men

Donald Trump: Barack Obama

Dr. Phil: The whole psychological community.

Paul McCartney: John

Steven Speilberg: Indiana Jones movies.  Maybe if I just kept making them worse…

Rush Limbaugh: Barack Obama.  Oh, is he taken?  Anyone on the left will do.

Ann Coulter: Rush Limbaugh

Ryan Seacrest: Casey Kasem

Newt Gingrich: Jackie Battley.  No.  Make that Marianne Ginther.  No, wait.  How about Callista Bisek?