Friday, December 23, 2011

Heating and Air Conditioning, Part 5

I have discovered a vast conspiracy.  This conspiracy has infiltrated all levels of government, not only at the state, federal, and city level, but also the National Park Service, and the people who make Duraflame logs.

You heard that  right, bitches: Duraflame is in on it.

Now, hear me out before you write me off as one of the tin foil hat brigade, because this is a big discovery.  You see, it’s been pretty damned cold, and our tiny space heater hasn’t been able to warm up our house well in the mornings.  I tried using Duraflame logs, but it turns out that Duraflame logs don’t produce heat!

I know, pretty crazy, huh?
As much as I hate contributing to air pollution, I bought a box of wood from the store and, on the next Spare the Air Day, I tried starting a wood fire.

It wouldn’t burn.  I used kindling and paper and matches and kerosene, and IEDs, but nothing worked.  This morning, my wife – who claimed she had more experience than me – tried.  After burning a New York Times Sunday Edition worth of paper, she managed to burn one, tiny log.  The second one wouldn’t catch fire.

It was then that I realized the truth: wood doesn’t burn.
Yeah, act all scared, Joan.
Woods the Owl and Smokey the Bear lied to us.  The Fire Departments all over the world have lied to us.  All those people who died from smoking in bed lied to us (posthumously, of course).  Joan of Arc lied to us.

Trust me, fire doesn’t fucking burn.
Last time I read one of YOUR books (outside high school English courses).
Excuse me, now.  I have to go take a Valium and lie down for a bit.

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