Friday, December 16, 2011

Comcast Sucks

What should I write about today?

Silliest pic I could find of him.
The passing of Christopher Hitchens?

Hm.  While I have never read any of his works and only have a peripheral idea of who he was, I know he was a great man because he pissed so many people off.

Nah, not narcissistic enough.  You two come to this blog to learn more about me, not some old guy with cancer.

"Daddy, I don't feel well."
 My son’s stomach flu?

While it was certainly harrowing for me to have to change the sheets five times last night (not to mention brushing his teeth, bathing him, and dealing with his other symptoms that kept me from sleeping), the details of it was a little gross.
Wrenching my back?

My actual x-ray.  Note the presence of radioactive particles in my spine.
Meh, not interested in physical humor today.

Comcast technical support being punk-ass bitches (whatever “punk-ass bitches” means).

"Give me a subscription service with frickin' lasers on it!"
 Oh, yeah.  BINGO.

The story of my vendetta against Comcast technical support begins back in the shrouded history of… The… Um… 2001s.  I moved in to an apartment with my (now) wife.  The cable service had already been turned on for the previous tenant, so we decided not to pay for it for a while.  Then, 9/11 happened, and we found that cable television was a nonstop barrage of violent images.  The cable company finally noticed we weren’t paying, flipped the switch to shut down our service, and insisted it would take a week to flip it back on.  Honestly, we were happy to let it go.
"Anything new on tv tonight?" "Nope, same as last month."
So, when we bought this house, we decided to forego cable.  Years passed happily (Seriously, turn off the TV for a month.  The time passes much more happily.) until we decided to refurbish the outside of the house.  There were these ugly old cables dangling in on the side from the previous owner’s cable service.  I wanted them removed, so I called Comcast to have them taken away.
Although it is fun to see what happens when squirrels touch them.
Their response?  You’re not a customer.  We can’t help you.

I tried again a few months later and mentioned the previous owners had put an illegal splitter on the line. 
Their response?  Go find a neighbor who is a Comcast customer and have them call us.

I didn’t want to go door to door, begging like a Jehovah’s Witness with terminal cancer, so I tried the email route. 
Their response?  Try calling us instead.

Calling got no results.  I tried email.
Their response?  Call us again and ask to speak to a supervisor.

Yesterday, I spoke to a supervisor who told me, again, they couldn’t do anything if I didn’t have a Comcast account.  I asked if I could get an account for a day, have the work done, and then cancel it.  He said he’d transfer me to the sales office.

Then he hung up on me.

I sent Comcast another email. 
Their response?  It was beyond their concern.

No, seriously, that’s what the email says.  “Mr. Kagle, I will be glad to assist you on this matter, however, this is beyond my concern.”

Wasn’t that a line from Dangerous Liasons?
"I'm sorry, but I don't give a crap about your dangly wires.  It's beyond my concern."
Anyhow, I decided to take the matter to the internets.  Please email the following note to xxx@cable.comcast.com
(Update: He may have actually done something, so I'm taking his email down.)
Dear Mr. Johnson,

I just read this post on icanwritefunny.blogspot.com

I am shocked, SHOCKED, at how poorly a wealthy, faceless, megacorporation like Comcast would treat a poor blogger with two readers.  Hasn’t he suffered enough at the hands of your wire?

Do wires have hands?  It wouldn’t surprise me if yours did.  Mean, grabby hands.

Sincerely,

Some Fake Name

Yeah, I wouldn’t use my real name.  Who knows what Comcast might do to you?

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