Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Who Discovered Hawaii?

I’m afraid Wink De Bivouac won’t be available to help me with today’s blog post, as he’s tied up.  He’s also gagged.  Then, I pinned him down with a small boulder.

Still, the show must go on and today I’m going to cover a discovery I made yesterday.  It’s pretty mind blowing.  No, really.  You know how the Book of Mormon proves that Jesus Christ came to North America after his crucifixion and preached to the Native Americans?  This is even more mind blowing than that.


The Jews discovered Hawaii.  The Jews settled here, and modern Hawaiians are descended from Jewish settlers.  I have proof.
"Is that a burning bush?" "Jeez, Saul, why don't you ask for directions?"
I know that’s a lot to take in, but scrape your brains off the screen, pick up your jaw from the floor, and bear with me.

If you’re Jewish or have any familiarity with Judaism, you know that the “Festival of Lights” (you know, the holiday that’s like Christmas only with eight crappy gifts?) has several spellings.  You can spell it Hanukkah or Channukah or Hanuka or any number of variations in between.  See, Hebrew doesn’t have any set spelling when translated into English

Why is this important?  Yesterday, while I was driving on the Big Island of Hawaii, I drove through a town named…
"NO WAY!" I shouted as I swerved my rental car into a ditch.  Always get the insurance.
That’s right, Honokaa.  The Festival of Lights.

Need more evidence?  How about this: What’s the most famous Hawaiian song?
Aloha, Oy.  Aloha, Oy.

Who says Oy more than Jews?  And Aloha means both hello and goodbye (and love, but that doesn't fit).  Shalome also means both hello and goodbye!
Small statue of a Hawaiian man blowing the shofar at Rosh Hashanah
There needs to be research done to find more parallels, of course.  Do Hawaiian parents guilt their children into visiting them more often?  Are Hawaiians greedy?  Is there such a thing as a Hawaiian American Princess?  Do Hawaiian mothers make enormous meals that nobody can finish…

Hawaiian petroglyph of the first Luau.
Case closed.

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