Friday, November 25, 2011

What I Am Thankful For

Like many families, one of our Thanksgiving traditions is naming something we are thankful for at the dinner table.  My wife always used to say “I’m thankful that farts aren’t blue,” which I think more people ought to think about.  In addition to invisible farts, I am also thankful for:

I need me one of these.
Appliances
I once watched the PBS reality show “Frontier House.”  In it, people tried to live as the settlers did in the 1800s.  For the most part, women spent all day, every day, washing dishes, washing clothes, and preparing meals.  You can have my washer, dryer, and dishwasher when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.
I Wub Oo.
My Wife
Every time I feel sadness or despair, I think about how strange and unusual that emotion is for me.  Fourteen years ago, I felt it quite frequently.
Eat that, Mavis Beacon.
Keyboards
When I was young, I wanted to be a writer, but, I always stopped writing after a few sentences.  Writing was too slow and too frustrating.  It wasn’t until years later, when I taught myself touch typing, that I began to write in earnest.  With typing, I can get my brilliant thoughts out as fast as I think them.  If someone could plug Microsoft Word directly into my brain, I’d be unstoppable.
"Just a few more minutes in time out, kids."
Child Proof Door Locks
Without which, I’d have to keep the full-body restraints in my kids’ bedrooms instead of my own.
The brain on the right watches TV while the brain...  No wait, is it the one on the left that watches no TV?  Shoot, now I have to shave my kids' heads again.
Internet Video
I showed my kids normal television while on vacation.  They hated it.  You had to wait for commercials.  You couldn’t choose what was on.  You couldn’t pause it if you had to go out.  Yep, I taught my kids to control their own television watching.  Where’s my Nobel Prize?

Aaaand that’s about it.

Wait!  What about me?  I’m thankful for lots of stuff!

Wink?! How did you get back from Hawaii?  I told you the wrong flight time!  I left you without a car! I bought out all the empty seats on all the flights going back to the mainland!!!

I dressed as a stewardess!

I’m going to go get drunk now.

Getting drunk is the best!  Have fun!

Here’s what I’m thankful for!

The Green Bay Packers!  I love them because they’re the best!

Steak!  Meat is the best!

The USA!  I love it because it’s the best!

See you next turkey day!  Gobble Gobble!

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