Wednesday, November 9, 2011

My Tattoos


I’ve always looked down on tattoos with a degree of contempt.  Tattoos never looked good to me.  In most cases, I thought they made people look worse, like breast implants.
Lady, I'm not imagining you naked.  I'm imagining putting a tarp over you.
I can’t tell you why I started wanting them.  Maybe it’s my mid-life crisis; if I can’t have a young blonde and a convertible, I’ll get a tattoo.  Maybe I banged my head; I get whacked by my kids often enough.  Maybe I saw pictures of glow in the dark tattoos.
It's a fish caught near Fukushima.
Whatever the case, I started having an odd desire to get a tattoo.  There were only two big questions:

Question One: Where do I put it?
Most people don’t have too much problem with location.  They have their whole bodies.  Me, I look like this naked.
Waiting for my turn in the shower.  I made a bandolier to hold soap.
The only places on my body that aren’t completely covered with hair are my wrists and the back of my neck (and, I assume, my anus, but I can’t get a good look back there to check).  It really limits my choices.

Question Two: What should I get?
If you can’t think of how to permanently alter your body, you shouldn’t do it.  Think back to what you were into twenty years ago.  If you got that as a tattoo, would you be happy with it now?
This is what I would have gotten twenty years ago.  Seriously.
I went through a bunch of ideas in my head.

First, I thought I might get a microchip tattoo.  I saw someone who had a cool one, once, that went around his bicep.  I couldn’t think of a good place to put mine.
Although it would be useful if I owned a Buick.
Second, I thought about a bar code on the back of my neck.  That would be really cool if I could scan myself at a store.  But what if the store tried to charge me for myself?  What if I couldn’t afford me?  What if I GOT MARKED DOWN?!

Then I saw the Chinese character for “human being.”  Because, you know, if someone in China ever doubted I was a human being, I could just swing around and point at my neck and yell “Oh, yeah, buddy?  What about this!”
"Sir, that's a picture of a wishbone."
Problem is, I don’t speak Mandarin.  I tried to learn Mandarin, but stopped when I learned the words for mouth.  That’s right, I said “words.”  There’s three words for mouth in Chinese: ko, zwei ba, and ba.  MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

Then, out of the blue, I thought about getting a mystic symbol like a wizard might have.  If I was going to get a mystic symbol, I’d get one for “irresistible to women.”  Turns out they don’t have one for that.  Then I looked for “power.”  Turns out they don’t have one for that either, but I came across the modern one.
Or, it could be a hot dog seen from one end.
And then I remembered how much I always liked the symbol for ground.  In physics, you learn that the earth has a practically infinite neutral charge.  Any charge that touches ground, no matter how powerful or what polarity, goes away.
Not exactly as I remembered it.
And, if you’re going to have mystic powers, you want them to go out your hands.
I held the pen just for contrast.
It's for contrast!  I really got tattoos!
 Well, I'm not sure what I thought that would accomplish.
Oh, now I remember.

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