Monday, November 21, 2011


For a few days, I’m going to be writing about my vacation to the Hawaiian islands.  I always hate reading about people having a great time on vacation, so I’m only going to talk about the bad parts.  My wife said that would be too depressing, so I got a guest writer (Wink De Bivouac) to “punch things up.”

I’m going to write it all on my manual typewriter, because old things are always better!

Er, right.  Anyway, today I’m going to cover the luau.  Luaus always seemed like something people made up to appease the tourism gods.

Luaus are awesome!  They embody the spirit and culture of the Hawaiian people.

I tried to find good ones in the past, but I never knew how; they’re horribly expensive, so I did research.  Problem is, there are no luaus that everybody agrees are great.  The reviews are always half spectacular half abysmal.  One guy will talk about how cool the theater is and another guy will complain you don’t get enough free drinks.  Who gives a crap about the theater or the alcohol?

Luaus embody the spirit and culture of the Hawaiian people!

You said that.

It’s worth saying twice!

I didn’t know what to expect when I showed up except a theater and alcohol.  As it turns out, a luau is a bunch of screaming dancers a buffet.  Poi is the most revolting thing on the planet.

But it’s a buffet!  And there’s women dancing wearing nothing but coconuts and leaves!

Then it rained.

They gave us towels!

It rained all night.  That area of the island gets five inches of rainfall a year.  We got all five that night.  Most people sat at the edges of the theater where there were overhangs.  My son and I sat in the middle with towels and he kept asking why they kept screaming while they danced.  I didn’t have an answer.

Then there was the guy who did fire dancing.  He was covered in a protective gel that let him pick up the fire with his hands.

Okay, I got nothing there.  Fire knife dancing is pretty kick ass.  My son asked if I would go to “fire school” to learn how to do it for his birthday.  I think he’s going to be a little disappointed in his bouncy house and cake.

Luaus are awesome!

Wink, I ended the post fine with the comment about my son’s birthday.

But you didn’t say luaus are awesome!

I hate you so much right now.

Tee hee!

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