Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Curses! Foiled AGAIN.

The government has foiled my nefarious plans.  Just at my moment of triumph, I was foiled by a cleverly written, not absurd, government regulation.  Somehow, the government saw through my ploy.  Here was my plan.

Step 1: Get sick.
I’ve had a runny nose and cough for about six weeks.  My wife has painful congestion, too.  Getting this sick wasn’t easy (I’m still not sure how I did it), but I needed it for cover.
"Yes, my evil plan is working!"
Step 2: Get a driver’s license.
I got one when I turned 18.  I think ahead.
Fools!  By providing me with a driving test, you're only aiding my plans!!!
Step 3: Learn to make crystal methamphetamine.
I watched the first three seasons of Breaking Bad.  That’s really all you need to know, right?
Okay, so I need some jars and funny outfits.  Got it.  Now what?
Step 4: Buy Pseudoephedrine in large medium small quantities.
I bought a box of cold medicine last week and planned to buy two (yes, two) boxes this week.
Yes!  Now I will take over the-  Oh, crap. I dropped it.
Step 5: Make drugs.
I’m a little fuzzy on this part.  I think you stir the pills together in water or something.  Maybe season four of Breaking Bad will go into more detail.  I’ll have to wait until it comes out on DVD.
Okay, I mix the substrate and then I take off my pants.  Wait, what?
Step 6: Sell drugs.
Not sure how to do this part either.  I guess I could put a box out in front of the house with baggies of drugs and a sign that says: “Meth, $2/per bag.”  It’d have to be on the honor system since I’m kinda busy with caring for the kids and all.
Step 7: Take over the world.
Well, this part is pretty obvious.  I don’t have to go into detail.
"What are we doing tonight?"  "The same thing we do every night.  Visit the pharmacist."
However, when I went to the pharmacy at Target yesterday, I was stopped at step four.  They swiped my driver’s license and then told me two boxes of medicine were over my limit.

Curse you, federal government!  You haven’t seen the last of me.  I will be back and thirsting for revenge!


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