You’re probably wondering why, after years of posting pictures of hot women, that I put up a picture of my own behind. I recently found out that my behind has a useful purpose, other than as a backup bottle opener.
I found this out the other day when I was in Costco. A woman was giving out free samples of Cliff Bars and noticed the protein bars in my cart. She expressed concern about them because she feared the preservatives and pesticides inside them. Instead, she told me, I should eat mint, cilantro, and an apple. Now, normally, I’d argue vehemently with her. I’d explain that we’re large animals in comparison to the bugs pesticides are dosed to kill. I’d tell her that there’s no point in fearing something unless there’s evidence for it, or you’ll be afraid all the time.
Hey, there’s no evidence for werewolves, either. EVERYBODY PANIC!
It is Costco, after all.
|"Just hang on, sir. We've almost got them open!"|
|Here's a trivia question: How many times did the level drop below yellow? Did you guess zero?|
High fiber cereal may be in order.
I was exposed to a GOP talking point. Only dogs can hear me fart.
Any walnuts held between my buttocks (squirrels tend to hide them there for winter storage) are cracked. Someone turn on “Frontline” or “Nova.”
Any atoms between buttocks are compacted into black holes. Wheel me over to a Mensa meeting immediately.
Of course, the only way to check the alert system is to grab my ass. Stand in line, ladies…