Monday, November 14, 2011

The Buttocks Alert System


You’re probably wondering why, after years of posting pictures of hot women, that I put up a picture of my own behind.  I recently found out that my behind has a useful purpose, other than as a backup bottle opener.


I found this out the other day when I was in Costco.  A woman was giving out free samples of Cliff Bars and noticed the protein bars in my cart.  She expressed concern about them because she feared the preservatives and pesticides inside them.  Instead, she told me, I should eat mint, cilantro, and an apple.  Now, normally, I’d argue vehemently with her.  I’d explain that we’re large animals in comparison to the bugs pesticides are dosed to kill.  I’d tell her that there’s no point in fearing something unless there’s evidence for it, or you’ll be afraid all the time.
Hey, there’s no evidence for werewolves, either. EVERYBODY PANIC!
But, no, I’m trying to become a “better person” and “better persons” don’t argue with strangers.  “Better persons” don’t yell and scream until their mouth foams up and security drags them off for a complimentary strip search.  Instead, I smiled and told her I disagreed and walked off to buy a thirty children’s bicycles.
It is Costco, after all.
An hour later, I had to use the Jaws of Life to pry my buttocks apart.  I have a tendency to clench up in the face of extreme stupidity. 

"Just hang on, sir.  We've almost got them open!"
Suddenly, I realized what a gift that was.  You know, like that terrorist alert thing that proved so God damned useful in the years following the September 11th attacks.  Only, instead of keeping people constantly afraid, my butt will keep you wary of idiots.
Here's a trivia question: How many times did the level drop below yellow?  Did you guess zero?
So here, ladies and gentlemen, is my new Buttocks Alert System with helpful graphics to warn you of your exposure to idiotic thinking.

No stupidity.

Someone has mentioned the dangers of pesticides, herbicides, hormones, or antibiotics.  High fiber cereal may be in order.

Wait, wasn't Major Clenching one of Captain America's sidekicks?
I was exposed to a GOP talking point.  Only dogs can hear me fart.

Someone told me either that “We create our own truth” or “Nothing is knowable.”  Any walnuts held between my buttocks (squirrels tend to hide them there for winter storage) are cracked.  Someone turn on “Frontline” or “Nova.”

Someone mentioned a conspiracy among governments, scientists, or doctors to hide “the truth.”  Any atoms between buttocks are compacted into black holes.  Wheel me over to a Mensa meeting immediately.

Of course, the only way to check the alert system is to grab my ass.  Stand in line, ladies…

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