Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Bikinis


Today, we’re going to talk about the bikini!  Everyone in Hawaii wears a bikini! Bikinis are awesome!  Everyone should wear bikinis.  Everyone!

The bikini was invented by the French during World War I when they decided to make people LOOK FABULOUS!  The Nazis surrendered right away so the French would sell them bikinis of their own.

Did you know they make bikinis for toddlers?  And old people!  And men!  And-

Dear God, what are you wearing?


It’s a BIKINI!

It’s a Speedo.  Holy cow, where did you find a thong Speedo?

I feel so free!

Please, please go away.  I’ll do today’s post by myself.

But…

Go!  Go!  Go! 
Wow.  SOMEbody needs a mohel.  Where was I?  Oh, bikinis.

I was sitting by the pool the other day when I saw a woman in a bikini walk by.  She had the oddest tattoo, and I couldn’t figure out what it was.  A school of fish?  A bunch of monster blobs?  Eventually I realized it was a map of Hawaii. 
It's not a funny shape mole; it's Lanikai.
What kind of person needs a map of Hawaii on her left hip?  I could see getting one on the back of your hand, for example, so you could check it if got lost, but who checks their left hip while driving?
Oh, right, that kind.
Of course, you have the right to get any tattoo you want anywhere you want without being ridiculed, but wearing a bikini is asking people to stare at you and judge you.

I realized that someone needed to make a list of who should and shouldn’t wear a bikini.  Of course, I was happy to step forward and make that list.  It’s just one of the tasks I’m qualified to do, as heterosexual male who ogles women all day.

Who Shouldn’t Wear a Bikini:

Men
What’s wrong with bikinis?  Everybody should wear a-

Out, Wink.  OUT!
If this is wrong I don't want to be...  No, it's wrong.
The Elderly
There’s nothing more disturbing than ogling a hot woman from behind only to have her turn around and realize she’s old enough to be your mother.
Helen Mirren.  I need medication.
Anyone under 18
See The Elderly, above.  In other news, I'm old enough to have children in bikinis.
And, it turns out, you do too.
The Ugly
This includes the overweight, the underweight, those with skin growths, women with excessive tattoos or piercings, and those who just don’t look good.  Okay, fine, you got our attention.  Now we want it  back so we can look away.
Uh, you missed a spot there.
The Incredibly Hot
Why wear a bikini?  Everyone would be happier if you weren’t wearing clothes at all.
"You look uncomfortably hot in all those clothes.  Why don't you take off one or two pieces of clothing?"
Who Should Wear a Bikini
Nobody.  Seriously, look at the list above.  Who’s left?

Stay tuned!  Tomorrow I’ll show you how to wax your chest!

I’m glad you’re here Wink.  I need you to get for me right away.

Great!  What?

Cancer.  Here, drink this water I got from Fukushima.  Here, let me force it down your mouth and nose.
Blurgleblurble.

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