Thursday, October 13, 2011

What You Shouldn't Do to Get a Guy

Okay, ladies, I get it.  You’re tired of being alone.  So, now you’re sitting at home, eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry and listening to Beyoncé’s “All the Single Ladies.”
(wtf is that?  A robot hand?!)

I know what you’re thinking.  I dressed up as a woman once for a play in college, so I know how women think.
Kinda like this, but with hairier legs.
I know what you’re planning to do and it’s wrong. 

It isn’t worth that kind of betrayal to get a guy.  Just to recap, here’s what you are allowed to do to find a guy:

·       Wear makeup
Because guys love paint.

·       Wax
Because guys love touching that stubble that grows out two weeks later.

·       Dye and style your hair
Because guys love brown roots.

·       Mani-pedi
Because guys love…  Er.  Why do you do that, anyway?

·       Tight-fitting clothes
Muffin-tops rule!

·       Laugh at his jokes
Actually, you’d do that anyway.  Who doesn’t love a good fart joke.

·       Pretend to be interested in sports
Wait, you don’t like sports?  Since when?

·       Pad your bra/get silicone breast implants
Hey, what’s with all this Kleenex?!  I feel so betrayed.

·       Starve yourself to death
Because skeletons are hot this year.

See, these are all allowable.  We guys expect them.  It’s just the way of the world that women will do crazy to themselves because guys are so desirable.  And it’s not one-sided.  After all, we guys do shower every week or two.  You think we do that for our health?  No, it’s to make you ladies happy.  However, there are things even we won’t do to appeal to the fairer sex.

Actually, that’s not true.  We’ll do pretty much anything.
Yes.  Anything.
However, there is one thing you definitely shouldn’t do.  You know what I’m talking about.  I’ve seen you girls hanging out in book stores and college campuses, wearing them.  I’ve seen you putting on fake reading glasses and pretending to read Proust while stretching out so everyone can see what you’re wearing.

That’s right, I’m talking about the Stanford t-shirt.
She can't tell a guitar neck from a microphone.  NOT a Stanford grad.
Stop it.  It’s just wrong.  Sure, you get all the attention from guys who think you might be a Stanford grad, maybe even have an advanced degree, but where will it lead?  You think he’ll never find out that, instead of going to Stanford and getting a degree in comparative religions, you really went to a community college and got a business degree?  You think he won’t feel horribly, horribly betrayed?
Forgot the shirt altogether.  NOT a Stanford grad.
So, no more t-shirts from schools you didn’t graduate from.  Be yourself: your fake-boob, anorexic, painted, dyed , plastic-nail-wearing self.
REAL Stanford woman. Oh, YEAH baby!
Oh, and no more Beyoncé.  She’s terrible.


Ernest Adams said...

I have a Stanford sweatshirt. It does not noticeably produce personal interest in me. I also have a jack from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, which I am not entitled to wear but was given as a gift when I did a lecture for them. It, too, does not noticeably produce personal interest in me. The whole college-shirt thing is overrated.

M. A. Kagle said...

Perhaps you should try bathing once a week?