Growing up, I knew about negative ads in political races. Everyone watched them and everyone knew what purpose they served: to make our country stronger. See, negative ads weed out the weaker candidates by pointing out their flaws. This kind of campaigning has been around since the beginning of the Republic. \
Here were some of my favorites:
Revolving doors on prisons.
Andrew Jackson’s mother was a whore and his wife cheats on him.
|"And he'll put a block of cheese in the White House!"|
|"Because I think decorated war veterans are dicks."|
That was a brilliant stroke of political savvy. See, John Kerry was a decorated war hero, which spelled doom for the nation because… Um… Soldiers suck, I guess. Anyway, look at what this jackass got medals for:
- Purple Heart – Shrapnel in his arm.
- Purple Heart – Shrapnel in leg (It’s still there, too! They decided to leave it in because Kerry was such a bastard.)
- Silver Star – Kerry evilly changed tactics to save the boats forced to serve under his command. Then he personally chased down an enemy who was wielding a loaded rocket launcher and took it from him, forcing the military to find a place to store the thing for the rest of the war.
- Purple Heart and Bronze Star– His boat was hit by mine (probably attracted to Kerry’s odiousness) and he broke his arm. Then he rescued a drowning crewmate (who would have been just fine if Kerry hadn’t tried to help).
|Look at him, standing there with his medals ON HIS CHEST!|
Now, let’s look at Bush’s military achievements:
- His father pulled strings to get him in the Air National Guard instead of being shipped off to Vietnam.
- During that time he heroically flew airplanes around Texas and learned the art of heavy drinking.
|Here he is, heroically taking one for the country.|
So, this coming election season, don’t get mad at the negative ads that say Obama caused 9/11, or that Cain is marginally sane, or that Bachmann drinks human blood, or that Romney and Perry are secretly lovers. They’re all true.