Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Joy of Negative Campaigning

Growing up, I knew about negative ads in political races.  Everyone watched them and everyone knew what purpose they served: to make our country stronger.  See, negative ads weed out the weaker candidates by pointing out their flaws.  This kind of campaigning has been around since the beginning of the Republic.  \

Here were some of my favorites:

Revolving doors on prisons.

Andrew Jackson’s mother was a whore and his wife cheats on him.
"And he'll put a block of cheese in the White House!"
See, it’s been a fixture of politics in this country since we hired German mercenaries to fight our wars and French cooks to fry our potatoes (or is that backwards?).  However, it was only a few years ago that, negative campaigning was turned into an art form.  You know what I’m talking about!
"Because I think decorated war veterans are dicks."
Yeah, John Kerry the Purple Heart Band-Aid.

That was a brilliant stroke of political savvy.  See, John Kerry was a decorated war hero, which spelled doom for the nation because… Um… Soldiers suck, I guess.  Anyway, look at what this jackass got medals for:
  • Purple Heart – Shrapnel in his arm.
  • Purple Heart – Shrapnel in leg (It’s still there, too!  They decided to leave it in because Kerry was such a bastard.)
  • Silver Star – Kerry evilly changed tactics to save the boats forced to serve under his command.  Then he personally chased down an enemy who was wielding a loaded rocket launcher and took it from him, forcing the military to find a place to store the thing for the rest of the war.
  • Purple Heart and Bronze Star– His boat was hit by mine (probably attracted to Kerry’s odiousness) and he broke his arm.  Then he rescued a drowning crewmate (who would have been just fine if Kerry hadn’t tried to help).
Look at him, standing there with his medals ON HIS CHEST!

Now, let’s look at Bush’s military achievements:
  • His father pulled strings to get him in the Air National Guard instead of being shipped off to Vietnam. 
  • During that time he heroically flew airplanes around Texas and learned the art of heavy drinking.
Here he is, heroically taking one for the country.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to turn the tide for Bush, so they created the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.  The Swift Boat group was a bunch of veterans that Kerry didn’t bother to save from drowning (didn’t I tell you he was a jackass?).  Here’s their ad:

So, this coming election season, don’t get mad at the negative ads that say Obama caused 9/11, or that Cain is marginally sane, or that Bachmann drinks human blood, or that Romney and Perry are secretly lovers.  They’re all true.

Vote accordingly.

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