Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Help Movie Review

I don’t get to go see movies very often.  I have children, and it’s hard to schedule babysitters and…

It’s complicated, okay?  Go away.  Stop touching me.

Anyway, I find it easier to judge movies before I see them.  One movie that I almost saw is called The Help.  I don’t like this movie for a variety of reasons:

Reason 1: Women like it.
Don’t get me wrong.  I love women.  Women are smarter than men and have more empathy.  Also, boobs!  However, women have the worst taste in movies.  Any movie that women see in droves is guaranteed to be sappy and mushy.  Sappy and mushy is fine, but only if it’s between explosions and nudity.

"I have this sudden desire to take off all my clothes and blow something up."
 Reason 2: Hollywood racism
I don’t mind movies that take on serious issues, but racism isn’t serious any more.  Seriously, who thinks racism is good anymore?  So, movies about racism pretty much boil down to “racism is bad, yo.”  The last racism movie that Hollywood did well was Crash, and that was only good because a few cars blew up between the preachy racism scenes.
"We're oppressing an indigenous, minority.  Nah, that's not a metaphor for anything."
Reason 3: No explosions or nudity
‘Nuff said?
50% of a successful movie.
 So, I’m giving The Help a big thumb’s down.  I’m really glad I didn’t see it.  However, writing this review has given me a great idea: a service that makes movies better.  Here’s my plan:
  1. Get a movie that nobody likes.
  2. Splice in explosions and nudity.
  3. Profit.
You have to admit, an awful film like Casablanca would be better if, after he said “Here’s looking at you, kid” her clothes mysteriously disappeared and she danced naked.  Or, after the scene in Citizen Kane where he breaks up his wife’s room, the whole building exploded.  Or, in any movie recommended by Oprah…

No, I don’t think anything could fix those films.  Maybe we could have Oprah explode…


Elly said...

Your idea makes an entertaining counterpoint to 'family values' orgnizations who take a movie everybody likes, remove the sex, violence, nudity, rude words and turn it into one that no-one likes.

M. A. Kagle said...

Excellent. Anything to piss those people off.