Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Five Myths Debunked by The Walking Dead

Over the last week, I've watched all seven episodes of The Walking Dead.  It blew my mind.  There were so many things I thought I knew that was wrong!  Here's a sample of what I learned....

1.   Nobody misses
The Myth
When firing a gun, you should always aim for your target’s “center of mass.”  Trying to hit the tiny head of your target is hard.  Also, the head is protected by a thick shell of bone, protecting it from grazing hits.  Of course, if you aren’t aiming at a Republican, you won’t find your target’s head so tiny or thick.

The Truth
Nobody in The Walking Dead ever misses a head shot.  I guess zombie heads are\ magnetic to lead or something.  This is an extremely useful effect, as you only need a few billion bullets.  Just fire them all into the air and all the heads of all the zombies on the planet will explode.
Much like the +20 arrows I had in D&D.
2.   Teeth and nails are as sharp and strong as knives
The Myth
Human fingernails and teeth are extremely blunt and weak.  We invented tools, knives and the like, so we could cut open and butcher our prey.  Once we were no longer destroying our nails by using them to rip open antelopes, we invented the mani/pedi and the trophy wife was born.

The Truth
Zombies, with their broken fingers and rotting teeth, can quickly and easily pull down a horse and eviscerate it.  One bite from a zombie makes people practically fall apart.  I always imagined our modern slaughterhouses as difficult places to work.  Now I know that the workers just scratch the cows with their fingernails and they just explode into different cuts of meat.
And then Bugs Bunny gave all the zombies manicures.

3.  CDC buildings explode
The Myth
Diseases don’t live long outside their hosts.  Most diseases die when exposed to ultraviolet light, or when they get too dry, or too wet, or too cold, or too hot...
The Truth
Some diseases are too dangerous to be killed the normal ways.  To be perfectly safe, all CDC buildings should be wired to explode.  In addition, make sure the following conditions are met for extra safety:
·         Place the building in the middle of a heavily-populated city.
·         Make sure the outer doors close permanently, trapping everyone inside.  They can only be opened once to let unsuspecting survivors in.
·         Set the bomb to go off one hour after the fuel runs out.

I feel sorry for the fuel delivery guy. “Sorry, got stuck in traffic. Is this the right address?”
4.  Trained scientists are irrational and suicidal
The Myth
Scientists are trained to do their jobs well and will work as hard and as courageously as anyone else.  When told they must work to save the world, they will put all other considerations aside and work until the job is done.
The Truth
When a horrible new plague is discovered that begins killing millions, scientists who are tasked with finding a cure will:
·         Decide the plague is God’s punishment
·         Abandon their posts to go get eaten with their families.
·         Commit suicide in droves

"Work to save all humanity and my family, or go get eaten.  That's a toughie!"

5.   Never reward success
The Myth
If someone creates the most popular show on television, you give him anything he wants to keep it going.

The Truth
Fire that jerk!  “Ratings have no bearing...."
This poor bastard will never be able to hold down a job.

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