Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Pippi’s New Burger

On Monday, I read about the incredible effort Pippi Longstocking’s Restaurants were putting into reworking their burgers.  They had been falling behind in the fast food competition and needed something to help them compete with Creepy Clown Farmer’s Restaurants.

Pippi’s put hundreds of thousands of dollars into researching this burger.  They did dozens of test tastings with hundreds of consumers to decide if they should go with red or white onions, if they should crinkle cut their pickles, how many bug parts to include, and so on.  Pippi’s changed a lot about their hamburgers.  They made all their stores buy tens of thousands of dollars in new toasters to heat their buns, and made all their “chefs” get retrained to cook the new patties differently.

Less money has been spent on presidential races.
I think Hillary on a bill would kick ass.
Since this blog is dedicated to bringing you the latest in news, weather, and entertainment information…

Oh, no, wait, that’s CNN.

Since this blog is dedicated to bringing you the latest in whatever it is I can think to write about (every friggin’ weekday), I realized it was my duty to try out this new hamburger.  Can greatness be achieved by committee?  Let’s find out!
Ahhh.  You can almost smell the congealed fat!
I wanted to drive to my closest Pippi Longstocking’s Restaurant to try it.  Turns out there aren’t many Pippi’s in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Finally, after hours of banging my cell phone against the ground, my GPS started working, and I drove over to one.

The late founder with his partner... Whatshisname.
Inside, I found that the new burgers are called “Rick Moranis’s Hot and Juicy,” after the late comedian from Second City who founded the Pippi Longstocking chain.
I hid a camera in my phone so nobody would know I was taking pictures.
I got the basic meal and brought it to a table with good lighting.  It was too hot to eat comfortably with the sun glaring on my back, but the pictures were fabulous.
I sacrificed to bring this to YOU.
Before eating, I examined the handiwork of hundreds of chefs marketing executives working as one.
Looks prettier on the ads.
Okay, time for the first taste.
The famous crinkle cut pickles and red onions.
Aaaaand…  Well, it tastes like a hamburger.  Sorry.  Don’t get me wrong; it’s nice.  The bun with the buttering and special toasting is good.  The extra cheese on the burger works well.  However, at the end of the day, it’s still just a fast food hamburger.
On the plus side, you can use the wrapper to play miniatures war games afterwards!
Moving on to the fries, I was shocked to see they still have skin on them.  After all, both Creepy Clown Farmer and Dictator For Life Burger use mashed potatoes that are then poured into molds to make exactly four different shapes.  I found the lack of processing on the fries to be refreshing… Until I ate them.
Oh, wait, there's still the four basic shapes.  What's up with that?
Kinda cold.  Kinda squishy.  Maybe they’d been sitting out too long, or maybe I just like my preprocessed foods a bit too much.

Afterwards, I brought one back for John, my painter.
John stares at his Rick Moranis in awe.
His verdict: “Neutral.  It’s pretty much like everything else out there.  No fireworks.”

Thanks John.  Now get back to work.  I don’t pay you to review fast food.

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