Thursday, September 8, 2011

Common Parlance: BRCS

[Note: I stew about things for a long time, building up things for a while.  I’ve only been venting my spleen, so to speak, on this blog for a few years.  I figure that, by 2026, I’ll have caught up to current events.]

Billy Ray Cyrus is a man who thought he heard God tell him to buy a guitar and get him into show business.  Ten years later, after struggling through the Nashville scene, he came out with his first and most successful song to date: “Achy Breaky Heart.”

Billy Ray Cyrus thinks God's plan for him was to do “Achy Breaky Heart.”
"And Billy, don't forget the mullet."
He’s been married twice and divorced once, and has filed for divorce from his current wife.  In 1992, he had two children, both born in the same year, by different women.

Billy Ray Cyrus isn’t exactly a role model.
See, they all look like a normal famiiii who the heck is that creepy guy in back with all the tattoos?  It's HIS SON?
He’s covered in tattoos he wishes he didn’t have.  He jokes about smoking and then talks about emphysema charities.  He insisted his daughter be named “Destiny Hope,” but now is glad she didn’t keep the name.  He says he loves David Lynch and owes him a lot, then blames him for the downfall of his daughter.

Billy Ray Cyrus is really upset about his daughter.
So upset, he regularly poses with her for pictures while she leans on his groin.
He has a bomb shelter in his back yard to help him prepare for the End Times.  When his family left Nashville to start Miley in show business with Hanna Montana, they all got baptized, because Hollywood is where Satan waits to attack Christian families.  Every day when they’d drive to work, they would pass an “Atheists United” adopt a highway sign.  It was a sign, he felt, that Satan was after his family.
Yellow vests are secret devil clothing.
Billy Ray Cyrus believes that Satan’s helpers are atheists who clean up highways.
When Miley was photographed smoking and taking hits from a bong, Billy Ray Cyrus despaired.  When she did a photo shoot half naked in Vanity Fair, Billy Ray Cyrus despaired.  When she was taped rambling incoherently and had an 18th birthday party in a bar, Billy Ray Cyrus despaired.  When Miley made a music video where 13 year-old girls with mohawks cried about their boyfriends, he...  Well, he didn’t give a crap about that one, but I sure found it disturbing.

Billy Ray Cyrus despairs a lot about his daughter.  He wonders what he did wrong, how Miley ended up on this path.  He didn’t raise her that way.

"Like, Oh Em Gee!  You can see her back!"
But, of course, he did.  She’s got the tattoos.  She’s got the smoking.  She’s probably headed towards having two kids in the same year with different fathers.  Miley Cyrus is like a young, female Billy Ray Cyrus.

Whenever I see people complaining about their children and how they “weren’t raised that way,” I have to shake my head.  Of course they were.  Children are always going to be just like you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Thinking that your child will act the way you want and not the way you would (or, for that matter, any normal kid in the same situation would) is absurd.  It’s the kind of thinking you would expect from mentally ill people, and so I suggest we consider it a mental illness.  We shall put it in the DSM as “Billy Ray Cyrus Syndrome.”

BRCS for short.

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