Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Pee Pee Song

When you have a child, you find yourself doing things you’d never do in other circumstances: cleaning poop off the floor, cleaning urine off the ceiling, cleaning vomit off the cat, and so on.  Of course, every parent expects to do some awful things, but what most don’t expect is the fake attitude.  If you show disgust at, for example, cleaning up poop, you can cause your child to become so afraid of pooping that they start compulsively cleaning everything up and eventually shoot at people from a book depository in Texas.
"If only Daddy had sung to me more!"

That’s right, any sign of anger or disgust will permanently damage your child.  Every little daily chore has to be made happy and cheerful.

I just finished with one chore: midnight pee breaks.  You see, kids are born with enormous thirsts and tiny bladders.  When you toilet train them, you start having a rash of wet beds unless you get up in the middle of the night to take the kid to pee.  Your child, deep in dream land, will not want to go and will kick, scream, and urinate on his half-sleeping father.
"I WANT to pee in my bed!"
The solution is The Pee Pee Song.  As you carefully scoop your child up, carry him or her to the toilet, and position all of his or her private bits the right way, sing the following ditty (all rights reserved):

It’s time to go pee.
It’s time to go pee.
Just you and me,
It’s time to go pee.
Fiddle dee dum,
And fiddle dee dee.
It’s time to go,
It’s time to go pee.
Let’s urinate.
We shouldn’t be late.
I can’t relate to…
What rhymes with urinate?
Now we are done.
Wasn’t that fun?
Daddy’s got to run.
Aaaaand now we aaaare dooooone!
Then, as you put your child back in bed, you will know you have protected your child from wetting his bed and being classified as anal retentive.
Dr. Freud says you are a good parent.

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