Friday, July 15, 2011

GGPS


INTERIOR – CHURCH –DAY
The wedding march plays as DONNIE and CARL have their first kiss as a married couple.  Their adopted son, SKIPPER, who looks a lot like Carl, applauds wildly from the pews.

EXTERIOR – PARKING LOT – LATER
Donnie and Carl get into a sedan that has been decorated with cans, flowers, and the words JUST MARRIED in the back window.  Skipper crawls in the back seat.  Donnie waves from the driver’s seat at the guests who throw rice at their car.
 
INTERIOR – CAR – LATER
The happy couple drive on, Skipper reading a map of the United States from the back seat.  A BLACK BOX sits on the dashboard.

CARL
Donnie, I’m so excited!  Now will you tell
me where we’re going on our honeymoon?
Donnie looks back at Skipper, who nods excitedly.
DONNIE
We’re going everywhere!  We’re going on
a trip through the whole country.

Carl reacts with joy and surprise, but then his face falls.
 
CARL
Donnie, that’s great, but what about
states where, you know-
 
DONNIE
Where we aren’t welcome?

Carl nods.
 
DONNIE
No problem!  I’ve got my GGPS.
 
Donnie pats the black box on the dashboard.
 
SONNY
What’s a GGPS?
 
DONNIE
It’s a Gay Global Positioning
System.  Watch!
 
Donnie points to a sign that says: Now Entering New York
 
GGPS
Entering the state of New York.  You
will be legally married in (pause) one
(pause) week!
 
CARL
Wow, that’s great!
 
BEGIN MONTAGE
Donnie, Carl, and Sonny are driving happily, moving their heads from side to side (in unison) as they listen to the radio.  A sign appears that says: Now Entering Pennsylvania.
 
GGPS
You are no longer married!
 
They stop bobbing their heads and look uncomfortably around.
 
CUT TO: LATER
A sign appears that says: Welcome to Wisconsin.

They’re still all looking around uncomfortably.
GGPS
Congratulations!  You’re
married again.
 
All three of them relax visibly.
 
GGPS
However…
 
CUT TO: LATER
The three of them have been joined by a burly POLICEMAN wearing his hat, and sunglasses and holding his baton menacingly.  Sonny is still bobbing his head in the back seat (next to the Policeman), but Carl and Donnie are nervous.  Carl turns back to say something to Sonny.

POLICEMAN
Don’t look at him,
pervert!

CUT TO: LATER
A sign passes: Now Entering Iowa.
 
GGPS
You are now allowed to be a
parent to your child.

The Policeman is gone and all three of them are bobbing their heads in unison again.
 
CUT TO: LATER
A sign passes: Welcome!  You’re in Oklahoma!
 
GGPS
(hissing and smoking as it
tries to get it all out)
You are now in Oklahoma.  You aren’t
allowed to marry.  You aren’t allowed to
adopt children.  You can be discriminated
against in the workplace.  You can be
discriminated against in public.  If
you are beaten to death, it isn’t
considered a hate crime.  Your
property can be seized by-

The GGPS explodes.
 
EXTERIOR - ROAD – DAY
The car, still decorated from the wedding, squeals to a halt.  Smoke pours from the tires as it backs up at full speed and out of sight.
 
ART CARD: The GGPS
 
VOICE OVER
Know your rights no matter where you are in
the country.  Get the Gay GPS today. 
(starts talking very fast as V.O.
spouts legalese)  Warning: Makers of
the GGPS are not responsible for laws that
change every five minutes due to
fickle legislatures or bigotry.  GGPS is
not responsible for sleazy police
officers who don’t enforce the law. 
Remember, people can still treat you like
crap even if what you are doing
is legal. (end legalese) 
Now only $29.95 at Costco!

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