Thursday, June 9, 2011

Weiner’s Wieners

Wiener picture.
In my continuing attempt to keep you abreast of week-oldnews, I’d like to cover the story about Anthony Weiner showing his wiener to a whiner who wasn’t a winner. 
Ha!  Say THAT three times fast.
A picture of my junk.
I’ve already established my views on powerful politicians sleeping around when I covered Arnold’s love child.  Quick precis: they all want to do it.  I don’t really feel like covering the legal aspects, since my feelings on the matter are pretty simple.  Quick precis: If you throw a guy in jail for sending women pictures of his penis, then every guy with internet access will be in jail.
Dick picture.
Instead, I’d like to make a suggestion to the wives of politicians.  When your husband gets into office, you need to make a statement to the press.  I’ve written it for you here.  Just fill in the blanks:


My name is [YOUR NAME] and my husband [HUSBAND’S NAME] was just elected to the position of [POSITION].  It has been a hard road to get here: late nights, grueling schedules, hurried meals on the road.  However, it has all been worth it.  Now my husband can give back to America by serving in the most noble of all professions: politician.

Sometime in the future, you all are going to try to catch him making a mistake.  Maybe you’ll catch him taking a bribe or caving in to [CORPORATE or UNION] pressure.  There is one thing I want to make total clear, though: he’s allowed to sleep around.

I mean, after all, he’s a powerful, attractive man.  When he started his run for office I told him it was okay.  After all, how could he get his voters to support him enthusiastically if he didn’t sleep with them?

So, when he does get caught [SENDING PICTURES OF HIS PENIS, SLEEPING WITH A PROSTITUTE, or HAVING SEX I WITH HIS SECRETARY], I urge you to leave the story alone, because there isn’t anything to print.



Sure, it sounds a bit odd, but think of it this way: now your husband won’t get thrown out of the office you slaved for him to get, you won’t have to do those annoying photo shoots where you stand defiantly with your husband, and, best of all, your husband is free to be himself.

Okay, maybe scratch that last one.

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