Thursday, June 2, 2011

Oh, it is ON Zuckerberg

A couple of years ago, I made a new year’s resolution; I would eat, breathe, and otherwise continue to live for a whole year.  It wasn’t the most impressive set of resolutions I could have come up with, but I was fairly content with them.
Then I heard about Mark Zuckerberg’s resolution: to wear a tie every day. 
Mark Zuckerberg, his head lolling from asphyxiation.
“Oh, look at the big man.  Look at the prepubescent billionaire showing off his tie collection,” I thought.  “Well whoopdee friggin’ doo.”

Still, there was that little seed of doubt.  After all, what if Fox News was right?  What if rich people were just better than everyone else?  Maybe it was time to make a change.

On my next birthday, I decided to improve myself.  I dyed my hair blue and I went to a glass blowing class.
Enjoy your ties, Zuckiepoo!
Zuckerberg must have heard about it and, sitting in his solid gold palace made from the ground up bones of mere millionaires, upped the ante.  He announced he was going to learn Chinese in one year.

“You bastard,” I said.  “You knew I couldn’t even learn French after five years of classes.”

I decided to ramp things up myself.  This year I went for the skydiving class.  Maybe Zuckerberg would be brave enough for a tandem jump on his first skydive, but not an accelerated free fall. 

"SNOW?  Curse you, Zuckerberg!"
Zuckerberg, not to be outdone, went to his magical weather control device and scuttled my plans.  Then he ramped it up again; this time he was going to kill all his ownmeat.

Oh, it is on!

You think you can take me, little man?  Do you?  Here’s my list of things I plan to accomplish over the next five years (in order of increasing difficulty).  See if you can top them.

2012 – Make sure the world actually ends as predicted.  In the unlikely event the prophecy is BS, ensure Palin becomes president.

2013 – Invent a working time machine, go back in time, and invent Facebook.  (Come to think of it, Zuckerberg may have already done that one.)

2014 – World peace.

2015 – Get a full-time job.

2016 – Make my children to sit nicely at the dinner table.

Your turn, Zuckerberg.  Beat that.

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