MOTHER (an attractive older woman, mid-forties) is walking along the beach with her DAUGHTER (pretty, mid-twenties). They’re enjoying the walk and the breeze, but Daughter is clearly troubled.
Mom, have you ever had… You know.
You mean it’s one of those days?
I just don’t feel right some times. I love Dave and
he loves me, but I just don’t want to commit to him.
There are times that I scream and yell at him and I
don’t even know why. Other days I just can’t seem to
get out of bed because I’m so sad.
I’ve had those “not-so-sane days” myself. Have you
tried taking antipsychotic medication?
Daughter reacts with shock.
I’ve heard about them, but they sound so scary.
The side effects are horrible and they don’t cure anything,
anyway. Drugs are just the way big pharmaceutical companies
steal money from an ignorant public.
Mother smiles and puts a proud arm around her daughter’s shoulders.
I taught you well. Yes, western medicine
is a big scam. The best cures are natural.
If we’ve used them for thousands of years, they
should still work just fine.
Then what should I do? Take St. John’s Wort?
Rub the fat of a freshly killed goat behind
my ears? Bury a potato under the light of
a full moon?
Mother shakes her head and guides Daughter to sit down at conveniently placed towels on the beach. Mother gets a serious expression.
Do you really want a cure? Something
powerful that will drive those personal
demons out of your head forever?
Daughter nods enthusiastically.
Maybe you should consider trephining.
Trephining? What’s that?
Trephining is the ancient art of banishing
Image of a woman’s head appears in cross section. The brain graphic is filled with shadows of bats and ghosts.
You see, evil spirits can get caught in
your skull and cause you to act crazy.
Trephining lets them loose.
It’s very simple. The practitioner
drives a metal spike into your head to
let them out.
An ice pick smashes into the top of the head, making a hole. The spirits pour out of the hole like steam. We go back to the beach, where the daughter is looking nervous.
Isn’t that dangerous?
Oh, pooh. People have been using trephining since
we lived in caves. How dangerous can it be?
Okay, mom. I’ll talk to my
That’s my girl!
They laugh and turn to stare out at the waves.
Trephining is the original method for
curing mental illness. There’s no pills
or anesthetics to take; it’s all natural.
Side effects are severe, but we don’t
have to reveal them because natural
remedies and vitamins aren’t regulated
by the government. Don’t waste your money
on scientifically proven western medicine!
Don’t hesitate! Ask your wellness
practitioner or holistic counselor
if trephining is right for you!