Monday, May 16, 2011


I went to see the movie Thor last week. While watching it, I realized that there’s this giant hole of need out there: movie reviews by me.  So, I’m going to start reviewing movies with my own unique and inimitable style.

So, the movie was fun, blah blah blah.  Based on a comic book based on a Nordic god, yadda yadda yadda.  I hate Natalie Portman, blah blah blah.

It’s a science fiction movie.

Let me say that again: it’s a science fiction movie.
That chemistry we have?  It's really just chemistry.
Thor is a movie about a comic book super hero.  Thor is a movie about an ancient Norse god (and, no, I don’t know the difference between Nordic and Norse, so I’m using them interchangeably).  Thor is the god of thunder, who has a magical-  I mean, who has a super-science hammer that allows him to fly and make storms.  He rides horses through giant, golden palaces and uses a rainbow bridge to get to other worlds.  His brother makes illusions of himself, his friends sustain horrific injuries and are quickly healed by some kind of… room.  And yet, this is a science fiction movie.

Here, look at the trailer.

Did you catch that part where he says “Your ancestors called it magic…”?  That comes up several times in the movie.  The rainbow bridge is a wormhole.  The fact they’re gods is explained as their long lives.  The healing room is a big, glowing thingy.

I imagine the decision was made like this:

Hollywood Weasel: Hey, we got the rights to the Avengers!
Hollywood Jerk: Cool!  I bet we can get Uma Thurman to be Emma Peel!
Weasel: No, the OTHER Avengers.  The comic book ones.
Jerk: Oh.
Weasel: I have an idea.  Let’s put each hero in his own movie, and then make a movie for all of them together!
Jerk: But what about Thor?
Weasel: What about him?
Jerk: He’s got magic.
Weasel: So?
Jerk: The rest of them have science.  We can’t do that.  The, uh, planet will cave in.
Weasel: Ah, okay.  Er.  We’ll do the old Arthur C. Clarke thing on them.  That’ll work!  And while we’re at it, let’s change the radioactive spider that bit Spider Man into a genetically engineered spider and put the web shooters into his arms.  And let’s turn Batman into a secret agent like James Bond!
Jerk: Wow, we get paid too much money.
Weasel: I know, right!

No comments: