Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Schwarzenegger Love Child

We’ve all heard the news by now: Arnold had a secret love child for ten years.  I’m sure we’ve all had the same reaction (other than “Wow, my word processor knows how to spell Schwarzenegger correctly!”):

Why only one love child?

Arnold became extremely rich and one of the most famous people on the planet by becoming an actor known for not being able to act.  Arnold rose to the highest political office available to him even though he was known for not being able to govern.  By almost any metric, Schwarzenegger is one of the most successful men alive, and what good does it do him?  None at all.  Why?  Because who will remember him in five thousand years?

Okay, bear with me a moment.

Name the most important person who lived five thousand years ago.  Heck, name ANYONE who lived five thousand years ago.  Oh, come on, surely you can name one of the pharos of the first dynasty in Egypt, can’t you?  Of course not.  Nobody remembers the most famous and important people from that long ago, and nobody will remember us five thousand years from now, either.
Here's a hint.
So, nobody is important?  Not exactly.  You know who the most important person who ever lived was?  Christ?  No.  Buddha?  No.  It was Mitochondrial Eve.  Mitochondrial Eve (or “Mito,” as her friends called her) is the one person that all humans evolved from.  Sure, she may not have had an entourage or her own fighter jet, but her children took over the fricking world.  How did she manage that?  She had a lot of babies.  The only way for someone to really make a difference is through DNA.
Here's what she may have looked like, according to anthropologist Ron Moore.
Now, Arnold has four beautiful kids with his wife.  I’m sure they’re all smart and attractive and personable and successful, but will they and their children take over the fricking world?  Probably not.  You know whose kids will?  The Duggars.  That’s right; Michelle Duggar is the current front runner to be the next Mitochondrial Eve and the only thing she ever did in her life was have twenty kids (and counting).
"I'm going to name this one 'Number 20!'"
So, I think we can all feel for Arnold.  He started from nothing, clawed his way to the top of humanity, looked around, and realized the only thing he did that really mattered was have a few kids.  Really, to move up, he needed to have more.  A lot more.
The chair is reserved for the next one.
Really, we should be criticizing him for stopping at one.

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