Monday, May 2, 2011

Paris Hilton is a Genius

Yeah, read that title again.  I’m not talking about a musical genius or an acting genius.  She could be either of those, for all I know, but I’m talking in terms of sheer IQ here.  I’m betting that Paris Hilton has the Mensa-accepted level of intelligence to be considered a genius.

Okay, I do realize that she has done some pretty brain-dead things in her life.  There’s the sex tape, the arrests, the panty-less pictures, the…  Well, I can’t think of a single thing she’s done that could be construed as the act of a person who has a single, working brain cell.  And that’s proof of how smart she is.
"No, go ahead and tape me committing a felony."
Every single thing Hilton’s done has been stupider than the last and yet she kept doing them.  Every single thing she’s done has brought her more fame and wealth.  So, either she’s the luckiest dim bulb on the planet, or she’s terrifyingly smart.

Really, though, there’s no way any single person could be this smart.  This kind of planning and execution would require a team of people working nonstop.  Paris Hilton must have a group of geniuses telling her what brain dead thing to do next.
"What if she smokes a doobie?"
This brings up the actions of Lindsay Lohan.  Lindsay is also so supremely stupid that she has to be working for a secret organization.  And what woman with dreams of stardom and strong religious values would let her boyfriend tape a sex video of her?  All of them?  No, this all has to be staged.

Here’s my point.  How many teams of super-geniuses could there possibly be?  There can’t be enough teams to cover every Hollywood star.  There could only be one team, meaning all of Hollywood is being run by a secret group of super-agents.  I don’t mean the kind of agents who topple governments and shoot each other with guns hidden in their shoes.  I mean talent agents.  This team works out what stars get married and divorced.  They plan when stars make sex tapes and get arrested for running people over.  Everything stars do is carefully calculated to increase their popularity to one end: world domination.
"I'm in love!"
So, be vigilant!  The next time you see Tom Cruise announcing that the god of salmon told him to jump off the Sears Tower to save America, he might be up to something even more insane.

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