Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Indoor Cats

Cats should be kept inside.  There really isn’t much point in debating that fact.  Indoor cats live longer, healthier lives and cause much less environmental damage.  Cats, when let outside, get attacked by dogs and other large animals, get hit by cars, bring in fleas, and kill five hundred million birds every year(in the US alone).

(And don't give me that "Oh, my cat would never do that." crap.  Your cat does all of that.)

The problem is, cats want to be outside.  Even with our cats sit at the door, waiting for a chance to jump outside.  I’ve tried a lot of solutions, mostly involving pushing the cats away from the door with my foot, but none have worked.

Recently, I had an idea I’d like to try out.  I say “like” because I don’t have the technical knowledge to pull it off, but I’m hoping that one of both my readers might.  If either of you know how to do this, please drop by.  Here’s what I want:
"I can't wait to go out and cause some species to go extinct!"

Step 1: The door is opened.
There will have to be some kind of sensor attached to the screen door that sets the whole thing off.

"Would you like to sign a petition?"
Step 2: Dog sounds
A recording of a dog barking starts playing to scare the cats away.  Of course, our cats don’t know what a dog sounds like, so there should be the occasional sound of a lion roar or a gunshot or a Mormon who wants to talk about Jesus.  The hope is this would serve as a first line of defense, tricking the cats into thinking the outside world is filled with fundamentalists.

"I swear, the water comes up!"
Step 3: Sprinklers
If the sounds stop working or the cats go deaf, the second line of defense is that the sprinklers should go off.  Cats, as we know, hate water.  The hope is that the cats would start to think that the outside world is always raining. From the ground.  Hey, cats are dumb; it could work!

I knew there was a use for that trebuchet in the garage.
Step 4: Cat-apult
If the cats still try to venture out, I want our floor mat to hide a spring-loaded launcher that will shoot backward, throwing the cats back into the house.  I doubt this step would work, but it would be funny as hell to watch.

Anyway, that’s my plan.  If any of you know how to pull it off, come stop by, but secretly because I’m not sure all of this is legal or safe.  I wouldn't want to cause a catastrophe.


Ellen said...

There's something called a cat fence. Your back yard is fenced... they could play outside and remain both safe, and relatively non-lethal. (The birds who see them in there and still land? Well, we do want the smart ones to reproduce, right?)

M. A. Kagle said...

A hunter once said the same thing about shooting a doe that he didn't feel showed sufficient fear. Don't mistake anything you do as natural selection. Cats aren't meant to be here. And the majority of the birds they kill are babies who are trying to learn to fly.