Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Last Glen Beck Show

Believe it or not, I have a friend who works on the Glen Beck show.  We met in Atlanta in the late 90s when I was going to E3 and he was giving tours at CNN.  I was hoping to work in games; he wanted to break into television.  We exchanged cards and kept in touch over the years.  When I stayed at home to raise kids, he was mortified.  When he started as an Production Assistant at Beck’s show, I was, too. 

We argued a lot over the years; he told me I was giving up a chance at my career, and I told him he was hurting the country with rhetoric.  Over all that time, he kept insisting that Beck was a consummate professional and, if I watched the show regularly, I’d see something amazing.  I didn’t watch the show, but my friend (yeah, I’m keeping him anonymous) showed me something amazing.

It seems Beck taped the last segment for his last show in advance.  Nobody knows when it will air, and Beck is keeping the tape hidden, but my friend saw it for a moment (there was some problem with the audio).  It blew his mind.  He signed a contract to keep this kind of thing secret, but he had to tell someone and everyone else he knows is in mass media.  So he told me. 

After all, I only have a couple readers, who’s going to know?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the genius of Glen Beck:

And now, we’ve come to the end of the show.  The last show.  I want to thank you for watching.  Just knowing that you were there has given me….  It’s given me great joy.  Together we’ve changed this nation, made politicians tremble, and pushed back the advancing liberal horde that threatened our values.

You know, back when I was starting my career in radio, when my show was called Captain Beck and the A-Team, (yeah, terrible name, I know) I couldn’t imagine I’d be standing here, in front of the millions of you, saying goodbye, trying not to cry.

Believe it or not, I really did try not to cry.

But mine aren’t tears of sadness or resignation.  Mine are tears of joy.  Why?  Because it worked.  I did what I set out to do.  And now that I’m at the end, I have a confession to make to you, the American people.

I’m a big fan of Andy Kaufman.

If you aren’t familiar with Andy, he was a master of the prank.  With Andy, you never knew if you were watching a hoax or if he really was insane.  He drove people crazy and then, suddenly, he died of cancer.  To this day, decades later, nobody knows if he’s really dead or just hiding out somewhere, waiting for the right time to drop the punch line.

Well, now is the time for me to drop mine.

I’m not crazy.  I’m not a frothing, right-wing, loony.  I’m not even a Mormon.  Well, not after the LDS church sees this, anyway.  I’ve been pulling a prank on you.  I’ve been feeding you crap just to see how much of it you’d swallow.  Man, you swallowed a lot.  You swallowed that Obama was a communist, that the government was out to get you, and that liberals were trying to destroy America.  Heck, I even got you to invest in gold.  Sorry if you fell for that one, chumps.

Now, it’s time for me to go.  I’m going to follow Andy into hiding for a while.  There’s going to be a lot of you who are pissed off at me, mostly Tea Party and Nine-Twelver whack jobs.  Someday, however, you’re going to calm down, and think back on what I did here and, I hope, you’ll laugh.  Then I’ll come back, and we can laugh together.

Good night America!  Sleep well, suckers.


Elly said...

That would be fantastic.

Ellen said...

Now *that* would be worth tuning in to see!