Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Inappropriate for Children

It’s almost May, and you’re running out of time to do that thing you’ve been putting off.  You know what I mean: your child’s Halloween costume.  I’m not going to tell you what costume to pick, because I know you’re all going to make a costume this year.  You’re not going to be that one, pathetic loser who buys some cheap piece of plastic crap.  No, not you.  You’re better than that.
However, I am going to tell you the costumes not to make your child.  Before you put all that time and effort into making a costume, make sure you don’t fall into the trap of building one of these examples of bad taste:

 Okay, okay, I’m kidding.  Only white supremacists, morons, and members of the British royal family would dress a kid this way.  Now that I know you’re paying attention…

Darth Vader
Ha!  I’m kidding again.  Even I dressed as Vader once (in the late seventies).  Nothing wrong with being a fictional bad guy once in a while.  Heck, if a Dracula costume is okay, why not Darth Vader.  I mean, sure, Vader killed a few billion people on that planet, plus that school full of kids, and there’s that guy he strangled, and those admirals who pissed him off and his own wife and all the Jedi and…  But, yeah, Dracula was bad, too!  I mean he killed Renfield (in self-defense) and one of Lucy’s suitors (in self-defense) and…  Hm, only two.  Come to think of it, other than Vader, are there any other mass murderers kids dress up as?  Me neither.  Yeah, don’t let them be Darth Vader.

 Maybe you didn’t know this, but pirates used to kill people.  They got these ships and went to sea and attacked other ships.  They stole, killed, raped, and kidnapped.  I suppose some of them were silly and constantly drunk like Johnny Depp’s character (Didn’t you know Jack Sparrow is always drunk?  Why else would he constantly slur his words and twitch uncontrollably?), but most of them were total bastards.

Contrary to popular belief and popular movies, Spartans were the some of the worst monsters in human history.  Sure, they were badass fighters, but they had to be that way because three quarters of their population were slaves and kept trying to win their freedom.  Instead of, I don’t know, setting them free, they instituted this system where male children were raised (and molested) by old soldiers to be ultimate fighting machines.   Young Spartan men, as a rite of passage, would go on killing sprees where they would murder every slave they came across with their bare hands.

Any Republican
See “Spartans,” above.

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