Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Biologically Plausible X-Men


My experience with the dentist yesterday has made me think I am the next step in human evolution.  Even after four Novocain injections, the dentist still couldn’t quite get my nerves to deaden.  Having seen the trailers for the next X-Men movie, I think I’m ready to join Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Clichés.

Then I realized “Tooth Nerve Man” isn’t on par with the others in the school.  They can teleport.  They can pick things up with their minds.  They can get away with wearing white fetish lingerie in public.
I'll use any excuse for a picture of Emma Frost.

But, that led me to realize how impossible the X-Men really are.  I mean, look at Cyclops, who has the most pathetic power of any mutant: shooting things with his eyes.  (And yes, he’s the most pathetic.  He’s got a gun in his head.  Whoopdie doo.)  How could his eyes withstand that kind of heat?  They’d melt.  Heck, his whole head would melt!  And where does all that power come from?  Does he eat D-Cell batteries for lunch?
Aaaah!  Visine!

None of it makes sense.  The X-Men are supposed to be humans who have mutated, but some things are just not possible.  If the X-Men were limited to what is evolutionarily possible, they’d be really cool.  For example:

Pigment Man
His skin has a unique kind of melanin so he doesn’t get skin cancer.

Gil
He has larger lung capacity so he can breathe at high altitudes without ill effects.

Ovum Lass
She has twice as many fallopian tubes, so she can release two egg cells every menstrual cycle, doubling her chance of producing children.

Upright
She has a more rigid spinal column, so she can sit in front of the computer without back pain.

Appendix
He has none.  He hangs out with a guy called Tail Bone.

See, isn’t that better than some dork with wings?  Sure, most of their adventures would involve hanging around the house, but their discussions over TV would kick ass!

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