Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Why Don't You Love Me?

To pick the picture above, I scanned through dozens of images.  You know why I chose this specific one?  Because it's a picture of a babe.  You know why I picked the picture of the babe?  Because I was hoping it would bring in traffic.  Why?

Because nobody reads my blog.  Honest.  Every day I look at Google Analytics.  Here's what I see:

The number for the day is 20!
 I started writing this blog because I wanted a creative outlet that forced me to be funny.  If you've read my stuff (and the picture above says you don't), you know it's pretty depressing.  So this blog is for me, to make me grow as an author. 

But it kinda hurts that it hasn't caught on more.

I mean, it's been two years!  After two years of writing increasingly more often, indexing, and looking for provocative topics, my average readership (viewership?) is sixteen people.  At first, it was kinda flattering that even sixteen people read my blog, but the number just didn't change.  After a while, I realized most of those "people" were actually automated systems indexing posts and the rest were family and unusually bored friends.
Think that's depressing?  Look at what people search for to get my blog:

The word for the day is "poop."
 What the heck is "ee sex" anyway?  Did E. E. Cumming write pornography or something?  No, don't tell me, I don't want to know.

Anyway, here's the big picture, my entire viewership since when I started writing:

That little flat space is when I decided it was too depressing to look at my stats.
  The two biggest peaks (near the right) are from two specific posts.  The first one is when I wrote a gooey anniversary post about my wife, causing her to put it on her Facebook page.  The second is when I threw a lot of pictures of booth babes from GDC on a post.

So, I've come to the conclusion that there are only two possible approaches for me to go with to increase my readership:
  1. Put pictures of attractive women on every post.
  2. Write constant gooey posts about how I love my wife.
I started this blog to express my creative nature and I must be true to it.  Even if it means getting in trouble with my wife, I'm going to pick the option that serves my needs best.

Of course, she's the loveliest, smartest, bestest wife in the whole world!!!!!!  HUGS!!!!!

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